It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the kind of anxiety I’m feeling today. I haven’t been completely myself since coming home from India.
I really thought it was just about getting over the physical stuff. The jet lag, the aches and pains that come from sitting on a plane for 48 hours. The change in diet, the effects of the malaria pills, the disruption from the familiarity and comforts of everyday life.
After two weeks I was sleeping regular hours again without taking naps and feeling like myself.
Or so I thought.
I am the kind of person who always wants everything to be okay. Sometimes to a fault. I like to move on. But sometimes I move on to quickly and leave parts of myself behind.
I think my anxiety is telling me to slow down.
I did so many things on my trip that I’ve never done before. From traveling alone overseas to spending a lot of time with people I didn’t know at all or barely knew, to seeing and experiencing a world I’ve never even imagined. It was also very emotional.
And I felt like I handled it all really well. Not that I didn’t have any difficulties, but that I dealt well with what came my way. My ability to be honest and my confidence surged.
But now that I’m home I’ve been feeling a very old and familiar anxiety.
My confidence, when I’m working in my studio, has slipped. It feels like when I first started my business almost 10 years ago. I’m actually reluctant to post my work on my blog. I’m uncomfortable putting up a picture of the quilt I’m working on.
I’m not used to feeling this way anymore. I feel like I’ve gone back in time. And not to a good place.
When I think of my trip, a part of me wants to just be able to forget it and go back to the way things were before I left.
I guess that’s most telling. Because I’m not the same as I was then. The trip has changed me. And even if I can’t articulate or know yet how, it’s working on me.
The anxiety is a sign that I’m not ready to move on and I can’t go back. I want to rush passed it and just get back to work, but my body is telling me something else.
There’s a process taking place inside of me, and I have to give it the space to happen.
I think this means being more conscious of what I’m feeling. It means, taking the time to meditate, do yoga, tapping and take walks when I start to feel anxious. And it means not dismissing what I’m feeling as being over indulgent or weak.
Before I left for India, I had a dream that made me think of the trip as in initiation. If that’s true, then I wonder what happens after the initiation is over. Maybe there’s an adjustment period. Perhaps a time of reflecting on what occurred and how to move forward.
Whatever happens next, I need the space to allow for the changes within me.