Last night in my yoga class I started to have some strange thoughts. First guilt and shame, and then I started thinking of different, horrible ways to die. I became aware of my thoughts and blessed them and let them go…again and again. On the drive home I remembered that when such thoughts come to me it’s because I’m afraid of something I haven’t acknowledged. I didn’t have to think too long, the next day I was meeting Diane for lunch to talk about the Online Gallery.
Before yesterday, I was just excited about the gallery. I had my doubts but they were nothing compared to the ideas spinning around in my head. Rationally I knew I had nothing to fear, but while I wasn’t paying attention I got sucked into a bog of fear.
So when I got up this morning I decided to make my art work for me. I would create a streaming pillow, an incantation to the online gallery. I would use my stitches to conjure up the positive energy to recapture the excitement and creativity to override the fear. The Goddess of Goods would squelch the thoughts that I was being greedy and didn’t deserve to have what I wanted. I saw her with arms out, her hair like wings, happy and prosperous, generous and powerful.
The fabric, of course, was red. When I finished the outline of the goddess and looked at what I had done, I saw that her hands and hair were behind her back This wasn’t my goddess, I didn’t want her here. This was supposed to be a positive and empowering piece. I almost threw it out and stated again, but realized she had come directly from my subconscious. This is just what I was trying to do with my streaming pieces.
So I gave her a sister, attached by the hair like Siamese Twins. She became a ghost of fear in the shadow of the Goddess of Goods.
I met Diane for lunch and as we talked our fears soon turned to excitement. We just scraped the surface of how the gallery would work and who would be responsible for what, when we had to leave. But we’ll meet again and continue the conversation.
I’ve gotten a few warnings, amongst much positive reinforcement, about the idea of starting an online gallery. The warnings are valid and address some of my concerns, but the feeling in my gut tells me to move ahead, slowly, like the tortoise, one step at a time.
When I got home, I finished my streaming piece. I found myself drawing cupcakes and and ice cream, fruit, sunshine and stars.