I could feel the old anger rising up in me. I thought it was gone, I thought I was done with it. But there it was, triggered by some neighbors doing a good deed and me feeling a sense of obligation and guilt that I should be participating, volunteering to help them.
I knew these feeling weren’t coming from them, but from me, from my past. From almost every relationship I had until a few years ago, which were about me trying to please, trying to fit in, giving pieces of myself away to be accepted, to feel as if I belonged.
So I sat on the floor of my studio tapping away my anger and trying to hear and listen to my heart. And as all the people from the past floated before me, all the people I was still angry at, and as my mind started telling the story of how awful it all was, they suddenly all disappeared. And I saw my body being filled up with blue water, blue waves washing through me. At first I tried to make sense of it, I wanted to go back to try and understand my anger, but something inside of me told me to go with the water instead.
When I opened my eyes, I thought, that’s what faith is, believing in the water instead of the anger. Trusting myself and my life now and not getting drawn back into the past.
Then, I got up and went to my sewing machine and made this pillow. The words are more legible than some of the pieces I’ve made in the past, but I’ll tell you them anyway.
The Blue Waters of Faith washed through me
Go Ghost Go
Brave enough to be who I am
I trust my heart again and again and again and again…
This pillow will be for sale at Anointing the Goddess the last show in the Pig Barn Gallery in June.