I could feel myself closing up, shutting down. But that’s not how I want to be, It’s what I used to do, an old way of dealing with pain. Do just the opposite I thought, you know what it feels like to hide from the pain, try something different, open yourself up to it. I can’t hide from pain it finds me eventually, one way or another. But I don’t have to dwell in it either, I can let it pass through me, feel it in every way, then let it leave.
So as I stood next to Rocky, instead of being distant and cheerful,(a trick I learned a long time ago) I opened my heart to him and listened. “I’m too old for this” said the voice in my head. Was it Rocky’s voice? Had I listened and heard? Is this what animal communicators do? Or was it my voice, what I thought about Rocky. Was it my gut instincts, my intuition or just me trying to make myself feel better. Projecting my feelings onto this old horse.
Since the first time Simon the donkey, kicked Rocky the 34 year old blind pony, when we put them in the same pasture I began to be careful of my thinking. This is not a bully picking on a kid in the playground, I reminded myself, these are two equines working out how to live together. And when I began to think of how much we had done to make Rocky more comfortable, giving him shelter, good hay, grooming, love, veterinary care, I also thought of what he lost. His old routine walking the paths that he knew even though he couldn’t see them. Drinking fresh water from the stream and grazing the the far pasture which was now fenced off. I thought of the old people who opt to stay in their homes rather than evacuate during life threatening storms.
Was he better off now or before we came? He’s probably more comfortable in many ways now, but not knowing when you might be kicked or bit or run into a fence can’t feel too good. When some of the horse experts we knew and trusted said we may have to think about putting Rocky down, that it wasn’t humane to do this to him, my stomach dropped. And once again, I had to remind myself not to put my feelings and life experiences on Rocky.
It was only about me in that it had become the responsibility of me and Jon to do what we thought was best for Rocky, the donkeys, ourselves and the rest of the farm. So that’s were we are now. We spent the past week thinking of our options. New fences, barns partitions, water and how we would manage it all especially with the winter coming.
But for me, after thinking it all though, it comes down to the feeling in my gut, and the space in my heart. To trust our instincts and the knowledge we have acquired by living with these animals. And for me and Jon to make these decisions together and know we have done the best we could do not allow our hearts to harden.
Maria,
My heart goes out to you.
Janet Rock
That sounds really hard. But you’ll do your best and it will be ok.
I was happy that Rocky found you and Jon, Maria. Now, I’m not so sure, either. At least, you question the decision you made for Rocky, but I wonder if Rocky would have made the same one.
Maria, I can only begin to appreciate the strong feelings that you and Jon have regarding Rocky and what needs to be done for him. I only ask that the two of you think of the fact that Rocky led you to this new farm. He, seemingly, was, in Jon’s words, the spirit animal, that led you there. With all of his physical problems–his blindness, possible age related problems–he has led a long and dignified life. He seems to be the tie to this land, having lived there and roamed its pastures for thirty four years. He seems to have a strength, a survival mechanism that has enabled him to survive, essentially alone, until the two of you arrived. Now, he has his own spirit guide in Red. It saddens me to think of the decision you might havea to make and I sincerely hope that there is some way that Rocky and Simon can learn to coexist without pain and trauma. In a biology class I am taking we have discussed survival of the fittest in wild animals, birds, insects, everything. The thing is they instinctively make their own choices. In this case, that doesn’t seem to apply. I hope that there is some sort of silver lining in this situation. I wish you strength, love and good thoughts.
Jane
Maria,
I understand about pain and finding ways that are healthy to deal with it. You have such a good heart and beautiful way of expressing yourself.
This was a difficult post to read. I’m sure it was difficult for you to write.
It is very difficult to face the decision about Rocky. It is very apparent that you love him very much.
I offer no advice, as it is not for me to say what to do. It must be very painful to be facing this.
Wish a peaceable kingdom could be reality!
Sue
As Jon has said many times, you two will make the decision. During the past 33 years of owning horses, we have had to put down 6 of them. I always seemed to know when it was time and it was never a question about doing the right thing. You are with Rocky everyday. If his quality of life is good when he is not around Simon, that tells you something. I know how painful this can be, and how an aged horse has more needs. At 34, he probably does not have a lot of time left and has just recently come into regular love and attention.
I’m sure you will put the effort into doing what is right for this sweet boy.
I knew since the first time that your husband spoke of the difficulties between Rocky and Simon that Rocky’s fate wasn’t looking to good. After reading about the animals that have personality disorders or become sick knowing that the only option at Bedlam Farm is to put them down (humanly of course)my biggest fear was that one day I’m going to read how Rocky is led behind the barn and put out of his “misery”. It’s really a shame about this old pony. I do feel badly for you because you know the animal personally and love him more than anyone. I am having a difficult time reading about this decision that I knew would come from you and your husband. I’ve been following the blog daily for a few years and have really enjoyed it. But I’m really sad for the old pony and don’t wish to read anymore about his last days. I don’t want to see photos of Rocky’s last day and his last meal. It’s too emotional watching something healthy and enjoying the last few years of his life being put down while he’s still healthy, enjoying his grains, grazing, getting back rubs and being brushed. I wish you the best and may Rocky go in peace quickly and without knowing what hit him. But I won’t be sticking around to wait/read about the end of this poor animal.
Maria, I have been reading about Rocky and your new farm and all your animals for the past several months now. I love how Jon found Simon and gave him life again. And how you both found Rocky and your new home. I have no idea what I would do in your situation. But when you said that about Rocky and old people and you wondered if Rocky was better off before or now, it just broke my heart. I take care of a 95 year old lady who is torn to stay in her beautiful home where she’s lived most of her life or go be with her daughter for the rest of her life. I know she is comfortable in her own home. You are right about Rocky being too old for all he’s been through these last several months. All the changes and now Simon. I will be thinking of you both as you make descisions and I know whatever happens, you’ll both do the right thing, whatever it may be.
Reading your post , it seems you & Jon are thinking things through with your hearts , minds & knowledge. I too hope there is some way this male rivalry can be settled peacefully and without all the extra work heading into winter for you & Jon. Animals are a complex being and Jon reminds us all the time that we look at them in our human way instead of their animal way. Would be wonderful if we could truly know what they are saying (maybe). Because of the openness of both you & Jon , we that follow your blogs have grown to love all of the animals through your eyes & hearts and look forward to each & every post. I hope & will keep you in my prayers that these head strong equines can make peace and agree to disagree ! Maria…. Maybe they need to be taken out back of the barn and have a really long talk with them ! But you have probably tried that already. Will keep praying !
I have been in your position and it is so hard! I had to have two aging horses put down, and on each occasion was forced to do it before the ground froze rather than when the time was right for the animal. The very size of an equine makes the decision more complicated and heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you and Jon. God bless you for the love and care you have brought to all of your animals.
I simply cannot hold my thoughts in another moment. I’ve read every word on Jon’s blog and facebook page. Please Maria, don’t put Rocky down. He was there first. Simon is the problem. Can’t y’all find Simon a loving home? Forgive me for butting into your decision making but I’m so upset thinking about Rocky. I’ll understand if you don’t publish this comment. I know I have no right to tell you what I think and I know Jon doesn’t care for our thoughts or “advice”, but I thought maybe you do~
My heart goes out to you. I’ve had to make the decision to euthanize only once (my dog was in the late stages of lymphoma). I wrestled with the idea that “I” was making the decision as opposed to a natural demise. However, after several sleepless nights and consulting with every vet I could find, I realized that this wonderful animal had given me years of joy and love and the very least I could do for her was end her suffering and she was telling me in her own way – it was time. In a different century, I’m sure that she would have left and found a quiet place and lay down and died – however long that may have taken. This horse has been such a representative for the new farm and the changes you’ve undertaken that it probably makes figuring out what is the right thing to do in these circumstances even tougher. I’ll be thinking of you today and sending positvie energy your way. Animals since when they are loved and they know when its time. If we listen they will tell us.
Is sending Simon away for the winter an option? You still have the other farm and a caretaker there.maybe that’s the reason the farm didn’t sell. You still need it until Rocky passes away. I don’t think I read about this possible solution in the Bedlam Farm bog . I’m sure you will do the right thing. I have such faith in you and Jon
Maria,
Even if I WANTED to give you advice,which I don’t, I couldn’t, because I have no idea what I would do in this same situation. I am never sure if I am hearing a solution for real, or if it is me telling myself something based on my own emotions.
Right now, I’m glad I’m not the one facing this. But I’ll be holding you both in my thoughts and prayers for some clear insight to come to you. And, I must admit…..I will be shedding some tears.
Hi Maria,
From the perspective of the observer Jon wrote about in his blog yesterday, she was speaking of the situation from a view of horses and donkeys in their natural environment. the wild.
As a horse owner with several horses, I have had horses kick and push another horse out of the enclosed area. I have had to keep them physically separated as you and Jon are doing. They still touch nose to nose. For several years my horses have been able to co-exist in this way. I believe Jane Mitz ( post above) has said it well, you were brought to this farm via Rocky.
Rocky, if he is ready to leave, like mother, will find his own way and time.
Loving animals, loving anyone, has it’s moments of gut wrenching decisions, but thankfully, so much more joy.
Prayers to you,
Carol Davis
Unfortunately there are experts (all with various opinions) on every corner. This was Rocky’s home before it was yours. How can he not be ok at his home with you, Jon, and Red to love and take care of him? The love and care you give all your animals is amazing. You and Jon are truly special. Everyone and everything is on a path to the winter of their lives, and life does not have to be perfect to be really good. We can only hope to have the courage and survival instincts Rocky has.
I have just recently begun to read Jon’s books and I can already say that he has taught me so much about animals. I have explored my own innermost thoughts regarding my own dogs (and I am one of those women that has tried to humanize my dogs!! but I am trying to unlearn this behavior through Jon’s writings!) through many of Jon’s stories, and I know in my heart, that you two will do the right thing. I admire the respect and honor that you both give to animals and I know that the right decision will be made, no matter how difficult it may be. (((hugs))) to you both!
This is a beautiful post, Maria and my heart goes out to you and Jon as you work through what is best for all of you. I love and appreciate the way you and Jon are learning and sharing this experience.
Your love and respect for each other is so beautiful.
For 8 years I was the barn manager at horse farm in upstate NY with 45 Equines of various age and size. Over the course of my time there, I held the rope for 20 odd equines while the Vet Euthanized them. The reasons were as varied as the animals themselves – injury, illness, old age, impending winter sure to be difficult. I loved ever second that I did that. It was a holy thing – all the animals – no matter how injured – all were calm, accepting. It was a privilege to be the one to help them pass. No advice – just my experience.
Maria, as Sue said above, I don’t offer advise, just want you to know someone else is thinking of both you and Jon, as you are going through all this new life together, with the animals, especially Rocky and Simon. We sometimes, with having animals, have decisions to make… some easy, some not so easy. We have, as the human caretakers, taken on the responsibility of caring for these beautiful creatures that come into our lives. And, with that responsibility, come these decisions. No matter which way you go, you sometimes second guess yourself, and then, get all this advise, and have to filter it all through your brain, and make the best decision for Rocky and for you and Jon. I’m hoping for a good outcome, especially for Rocky, but whatever it is… “it is what it is”, and is the best decision you can make.
Love to you both… Linda and her beloved dogs and cats. Had this hard decision to make, and turned out that we have to put down our beloved Alicia, 13 1/2 old lab, after having two severe seizures on early 2 AM Saturday morning at the emergency vet, and five days later, on a Thursday, had to put down one of our cats, as she was going through kidney failure, and had stopped eating. Hard, hard… but did what was best for them… and not what we desperately wanted for ourselves. They went with dignity and peacefully.
Maria~ I have read your posting as well as Jon’s as he was a little vague so i poked my head into yours. I know you head ROCKYs voice tell you that “he is too old for this”, thats how it is with our pack, we hear them loud and clear and then we think we are going crazy!! I also read the other comments listed here ( i know that you are not seeking approval nor advice), but i have to say the idea that Rocky has a guide with Red is an impressive statement. Allow Rocky to show you what he needs ( and he will ) and just love Simon as he is like a stubborn family member, and as with family members, we sometimes keep to different rooms although others can come and go.
In relation to the farm, allow enough room for Red and the other dogs and sheep to come and go, but the boundaries of keeping Simon out, ebb and flow…
The farm will speak to you!!
much love and continue on!!
sj
I have been following Rocky, Jon and you through Bedlam Farm Journal. As I read this post I felt the lump in my throat, the tears and the compassion for your dilemma. Thanks for writing about this. We can never know what another human is thinking. We can’t really know what another species thinks either. But the FEELING. That is where we connect. Seems like you connected with Rocky’s feelings. Still it must be easier for him with Red as his guide. And remember his teeth? So with everything there is a balance. Some things are easier, some things are harder. Those of us outside looking in cannot know what you are experiencing. I wish you well with what lies ahead. I know that you will respond, not react, but respond to the messages from Rocky, Simon, Red, Jon and from your own “gut.”
Just sending along a warm hug to you.
~Laura xo
I hope Rocky can live out his life with you on that farm. Can you
rethink the fencing and give Rocky back the area he had before?
Can’t the donkeys and Rocky be kept separate? I’ll be praying
that it all works out.
Hi Maria, I think you heard Rocky…And i know that you and Jon will do what is best for all. I’m thinking of you at this difficult time..Love, mare
We know how much you love Rocky and Simon. Compassion is golden. Loving you all. <3
Maria..this is not easy…..Rocky who has led an independent life with freedom, and now with a life of other equine intrusion, that perhaps he can’t understand completely. And yet he has human devotion, care and attention, He remains between the two worlds……it must be confusing, a life change as such. I am sure you both are doing doing all you can for his consideration. I myself am confused, as what would be best for Rocky….any way he can continue his previous patterns of grazing and walking freely?
All the best for your peaceable kingdom……donna
Maria, I have just finished reading both your post and Jon’s on Loving Rocky, which you obviously both do so very much. I am grasping for words other than to say the ‘space in your heart’ as you put it, is huge, Maria! Filled with nothing but love and compassion and the desire to do right by Rocky and all the other animals on the farm, and find a way to bring the best possible peace for all of you. Jon often writes that he will share everything honestly on the blog, but I would also offer this – you both deserve some privacy in all that you are facing. We don’t have to be the first to know, no ‘breaking news’, ok? We hope you feel surrounded by the loving support of your many readers who feel enriched by what you do share of your life together on Bedlam Farm. May all manner of things be well, – that wonderful saying of Julian of Norwich, – Blessings Maria, – Susan in AZ
As I type this … as I wonder … tears stream down my face … tears not quite of saddness … of something else …
For you see, as I read your post and Jon’s two things came to me instantly that I can not shake …
Is Rocky’s work now complete – leading you to the farm and leaving it in good hands.
And, words I believe Jon posted earlier (days ago)
May I be happy
May I be peaceful
May I be free from suffering (at least that is how I remember the words)
May Rocky be happy (whatever that means to a pony)
May Rocky be peaceful
May Rocky be free from suffering
The best to you all …
Maria – I am not good at expressing my thoughts in written word – but I will try- Ultimately it is yours and Jons decision – but a few things that I am thinking of . How hard did you have to work with Frieda- and look at the wonderful results you had. Perhaps when Rocky was expressing himself to you it was only one of his thoughts- perhaps later he was saying how much better his life is now that you and Jon have come into it. Also, it is my feeling that we do not have the right to take an animals life – that is between the animal and the spiritual being I call God.
I know that this must be difficult for you – and winter coming does not help – but- perhaps you can hang on longer and keep trying.
I wish you and Jon the best.
Wendy Greenspan
I think It’s true Wendy that I can’t know what Rocky was thinking, but I also feel it is my and Jon’s responsibility to do what is best and most humane for him and the other animals on the farm.
Namaste, Maria.
Wishing you peace, clarity and an open heart.
Beautifully written. I have faith in your wisdom and Jon’s. The source that brought you this far will not desert you now. There will be perfect peace in the storm and the path will be made clear. Praying it comes soon. Have a blessed day. Thank you for blessing so many.
You are so wise, Maria. Your ability to open up tell me that you will notice the next right step when it comes along. I have great respect for your willingness to dwell in the unknown until the answer shows up.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Maria, very well written but also hard for me to read. I don’t what decison you will make regarding these two wonderful animals but I hope it is the best for everyone. Rocky and Simon both deserve to feel safe, secure and loved in their final years and my hope is that it can be worked out so that they both stay with you and Jon. It’s Rocky’s home and you’re Simon’s guardian so it seems natural that they both stay. I wish you luck in making your decisions.
Beautiful sentiment, Maria. My intuition tells me that if you two hang in there a little longer with Simon and Rocky the decision is going to be made for you in some way. I don’t know exactly how. I believe that you did pick up on Rocky’s thoughts when you heard, “I’m too old for this.” I actually think that Rocky will be the one to make the decision.
Thank you for your honesty and insight. Thank you and Jon for sharing your lives with us in such an intimate manner. May Peace be with you.
Lisa
Your insight and feeling are “right on”. It’s a very hard decision to decide what would be right for Rocky. He has gained much and lost much all in one fell swoop. Having had to make similar decisions for a 38 year old horse we had had for 30 years and her 18 year old daughter whom we had delivered at birth it takes a lot of prayer and thoughtfulness.
In an imperfect world, all any of us can do is our best, and you and Jon have done that, and then some. Whatever Rocky’s and Simon’s fate, they will have you both at their sides, and that is a gift that you have freely given. I wish you peace as this story unfolds.
Maria,
Do you believe that Rocky is suffering in any way? I had hoped he and Simon would work things out – such a difficult decision but I’m sure you and Jon will do what is best for Rocky and the other animals.
Donna
Maria,
I am so saddened to hear about Rocky, but you and Jon will make the best decision for him. I can’t help but think that Rocky’s life did improve with your intervention. And in life, isn’t love the best thing of all? Even if you make the hard decision to put him down, it will be done with love, not because he lost his facilities and couldn’t find food or water causing extreme pain or frustration. I had to put my dog Jack down last year, and I honored him by being there with him, holding him and letting him know that he was deeply loved. I held him close, whispered what a good dog he was, and kissed his nose goodbye. When I think about the end of my life, I can only hope that I die with someone loving me by my side, holding me close, and kissing me goodbye.
Trust yourself. You – and Jon – have the answers inside you. And you’ll know in time exactly what to do.
You said it best,”know we have done the best we could” that is what to remember.
Maria,
The love you convey through your words is deeply felt by myself and others as one reads here. God bless you always as you and Jon make your decision with hearts open.
If Rocky is physically healthy it would seem to be a shame to put him down just because he and Simon can’t get along in the same pasture. The Arabian horse farm where I worked had a few ancient stallions that couldn’t go out with the other horses, but they had their own separate areas where they seemed pretty content through their late thirties.
It’s too bad you can’t figure out a way that the donkeys and Rocky can be side by side yet separate. It seems like you have to go through Rocky’s pasture to get to the sheep pasture, wish the fencing could have split the area differently. It’s also too bad that Rocky has to go through the pole barn to get ot his stall. The setup seems to require extra work, but seems doable. It kind of seems like you are already leaning towards putting Rocky down before winter, I know it’s a hard decision.
It’s so very hard to separate what’s best for us (humans) from what’s best for our animals. But taking the sky-high view of the Rocky situation, it seems you are incredibly grateful to Rocky for bringing you to this new life. And now that you’ve come, you realize how inconvenient it will be to make provisions for Rocky to stay. Maybe the question is, “How far out of your way are you wiling to go to repay his gift to you?” I wish you well, and hope for the best for Rocky.
I think in some way Rocky has made his own decision. I do not know if animals
make decision consciously or not. I think the situation will be resolved on its own very soon.
I think Rocky in some way was letting you know.
Only you and Jon can know the answer and you will do the most graceful and loving thing for your dear Rocky. My thoughts are with you in this painful time.
Thank you Maria for a lovely if heartrending post. Prayers to you and Jon.
see above
As a long-time reader of Jon’s blog and one who has long considered it a sanctuary, not because of some Disney idea of farm animals, but because of the thoughtfulness and sensitivity to animals expressed on it, I have had an awful feeling about your moving the donkeys to the new Bedlam Farm from the beginning, in large part because advice from equine experts was not sought first. I was brought up on two horse breeding farms and on each of them were more than one stallion at all times. They lived in the same barn, but in different enclousres. At no time were those stallions kept in the same pasture, or expected to eat from the same hay rack or “get along” in the same space. It seems to me that that is the human vision of behavior clouding clear understanding of equine nature.
Knowing that you both are very loving people, very sensitive people and love your animals deeply, it has taken me days to write this, especially since it really is your decision to make and I have no business telling you how to live your life. But if you can stand to read this, it seems that the solution is not impossible at all. These two animals can live on one farm, but not in the same space. Was Rocky’s quality of life good before Simon came? Are you only now talking about how old Rocky is, now that Simon is there? It seems that the solution is there, it’s just not a very convenient one. You can have a Peaceable Kingdom and both Simon and Rocky, but not together. Rocky seems to like having sheep around and depends on Red. The donkeys have each other. It seems that the problem is not Rocky and Simon, but you and Jon deciding to do the extra work to care for them both at this new farm. I apologize if this seems overstepping. It’s not intended – I just had to write. Wishing you both peace.
Just to be clear Jan, neither Rocky nor Simon are stallions. And the solution is not impossible but a choice.