I was arguing with someone who accused me of my website looking like one big ad. Then I woke up, still defending myself. When I realized it was a dream I knew there was no argument. Both voices were mine. That’s when I knew it was time to begin writing about my Shamanic Soul Retrieval experience. It’s just over a week since the healing ceremony and I finally feel I’m beginning to understand what happened.
The healing actually began before my appointment with the shaman Carol Tunney. I was reading a book she recommended Soul Retrieval by Sandra Ingerman in which there was an exercise that had something to do with looking at a baby photo of yourself. I was reading in bed, bundled under the comforter and had no intention of doing the exercise. I don’t even have a photo of myself as a baby. But my mother has a million and one that used to hang on the wall of her porch came to mind. A chubby baby with a big round head, shinning eyes and smiling face, my older brother and sister on either side of me. And for the first time, I realized that I was repulsed by this baby. That I thought her disgusting, simple and stupid in her innocence. Then I cried. I’ve never been drawn to babies, I learned to say the right things when visiting a friend or relative and their new baby, but I never felt it, never had the urge to hold or feed or care for baby or have one of my own. Now I understood why and the feeling of loss was vast. So I cried some more and when Jon came to bed, I told him and cried again.
The next day I had a massage appointment. I told my masseuse, Mandy that I wanted the massage to be about opening me up to healing. (Carol had instructed me to have this intention each night before going to bed and writing down my dreams if I remembered them). I laid on my back and Mandy began her energy work. I don’t know what she does, but she focuses around my head, neck and shoulders, the palms of my hands and souls of my feet. Later Mandy would tell me what she was seeing. A knot of stringy things, like a sea anemone, over my heart slowly untangling themselves and opening up, then a vortex of swirling color around my body. I was experiencing something visually different, specific to me, but with the same effect.
I was standing up, holding a baby polar bear, like I might hold a child, in my arms. And as I pressed it to my heart, I realized it wasn’t a polar bear, but a baby, dressed in a white furry hooded coat. The love, caring and protection that I was feeling for the polar bear was transferred to the baby. Tears ran down the sides of my face as I lay on the massage table.
The next day Carol told me that I had already begun the work of finding the lost parts of myself. The unloved baby would come up again during the healing ceremony. But even before that, I could feel the change in myself. A love, acceptance and compassion for the untainted innocence and joy of life that had been lost inside of me. Buried beneath, cynicism, contempt and sarcasm. It was the first step in this new kind of healing for me. I was excited, I wanted more. And it would come.
(Well, I can see I’m not going to get this all out in one blog post. It’s going to take a few rounds. So I’ll call this part one and continue writing about it later.)
Please do continue!
Thanks for the encouragement Sue.
Wow, Maria, I was really moved by this. Thank you so much for sharing. Now, it’s me who needs to digest, but how special, open and honest.
Maybe Kim another level that we connect on.
What an adorable baby! I marvel at your ability to show motion and expression with simple line drawings.
Your search for wholeness is something many of us know we need to do, but few of us have the tenacity to follow through. Thank you for sharing the experience with us.
May you be well, happy, and peaceful.
Thanks Jean I wish you the same.
Glad you had this experience!
Why is it that we are the very best critics of ourselves and why shouldn’t your blog be a place for you to sell your creative products. They are bright, cheerful and whimsical. And, I don’t know if Polarity Therapy is similar to what you’re taking right now with the energy work but I go once a month for this work and while I still have a degree of skepticism about how it works, I know it does work for me. I’m not comfortable any longer with the word ‘alternative’ for therapies such as this yet it came to mind this morning on another blog I follow where a woman described her recent upper and lower GI’s with scrapings taken to determine the cause of her recent discomfort. Turns out to be celiac disease. I realize, too, that it could have been more serious. My homeopath discovered the same thing in a far more gentle way and I wonder why more people don’t access this kind of medical help rather than going through such harsh allopathic ways. Allopathy is wonderfully life-saving for what it does but for the general well-being of maintaining balance in our lives, there are other modalities that if you believe they will work, do.
Sandy Proudfoot, Canada
Thanks Sandy, I do love selling my work on my website. It’s part of the connections. I don’t really know how this stuff works either, but I know it does. I agree with you about moderation.
Maria, thank you for sharing. I was wondering what you do when you visit a shaman. I was curious about the process, and I think that I could definitely benefit from something like that. Going through major life changes makes one take stock of their life (as I have been for the past two years). It has been nice reading your blog regarding the shaman and Jon’s blog about his dealing with his fears. I like how you both are combating them, dealing with the negativity and saddness and have the courage to share with the rest of us. Thank you, Maria
It kinda amazes me that there is interest in this Lisa, but writing helps me understand it and your comments are affirming.
Maria,
Thank you for this personal post. It is very healing for me. I never thought about the one and only baby pic of me. Well actually i have. More like someone disconnected. Not as that child is me. I appreciate your sharing.
I thought I was so alone in this, I’m beginning to see that’s not true Carol
Your entry was just what I needed to read this morning. It’s odd how reading words from someone on the otherside of our country, experiencing their very own unique challenges in life, helps me feel connected as I continue down my own spiritual path.
You will never know how much I appreciated your words today.
And reading your words help me Betty, thanks for letting me know.
A love, acceptance and compassion for the untainted innocence and joy of life that had been lost inside of me. Buried beneath, cynicism, contempt and sarcasm. It was the first step in this new kind of healing for me. I was excited, I wanted more. And it would come.
~~
Maria, this is why you continue to be an inspiration to me. I am so proud of you for doing the hard work. You are surrounded by love, I hope you know that!
Maria, I can relate so very deeply to your words today.I thank you so much for sharing.Louise From Massachusetts
Thanks so much for this Maria. Both my daughter and I have “never been drawn to babies” and we’ve had many a chuckle over this. These include her Jake and Grace (my Grandkids!) as babies. There’s three pics of her holding Jake up to her face at the beach, over three years time. She brings him in closer to her face each year! We were so excited when they reached toddlerhood! We bad. :~( But it is what it is.
Your revelation touched me deeply on several levels. I look forward to the next installment! Cindy
Thanks for posting this Maria. It’s honest and courageous to open yourself to others. When I met you, my immediate impression was one of peace and when Jon came in, it was like a light went on inside you. I have to agree with Sandy ~ this is your site and you are sharing your creative spirit as well as sharing yourself. How fortunate we all are that you have chosen to do this!
I am sorry for your pain, but envy your ability to confront and explore and heal. I am in awe of your raw honesty and brilliant mind. You are helping others along the way, thanks Maria.
Can’t wait for the next installment. You are so blessedly honest and open, and because of this, so many of us out here benefit. Thanks, Maria!
What a cleansing experience. I haven’t visited a Shaman but have been on a similar spritual path – to reach the abused child within me and work to heal. Its comforting to know I’m not alone in seeking these broken pieces of me and working towards being whole that others are doing the same.
Thank you not only for sharing but for being a role model for courage for all the rest of us out there who think sometimes we’re alone on this journey and no one else would understand and therefore the discoveries have to be held within.
It does make a difference to know we are not alone, thanks for letting us know Eileen.