I glanced around the room but I couldn’t tell you what was there. I remember seeing rocks, crystals, rattles. A suede cave, soft rainy afternoon light coming in the window, safe, comforting. I knew the table, the same kind for a massage or acupuncture. I laid flat on my back no pillow under my head or cushion under my knees, just a blanket covering me. I closed my eyes. Carol told me she was laying crystals and rocks around and on my body. I felt their weight on my throat, heart, and the rest of the chakra points. She gave me two giant crystals to hold, one in each hand. “For some people they get hot, some cold, some people feel as if they’re melting into their bodies, some don’t feel anything at all,” Carol said. I wondered what I would feel, I liked the idea of them melting into my body.
What happened next is a a blur with points of clarity. “I will tell you some things that I see,” Carol said, “and if you have to urge to speak say what comes”. She started to drum, whistle, sing. It didn’t take long for me to feel it in my body. A tremor, vibrations running through my arms and legs. The room was suddenly full, my eyes still closed I could feel it, then begin to see it. The images that came to me were of the masks and totems I’ve seen from the Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest. They filled the room swirling around me. My mouth opened like I had something to say, but no words came. Carol’s drumming, whistling and singing continued and the room emptied except for the presence of the imaginary friend that had been with me since I was a kid. His presence was so real, I wanted to get up an hug him. Then he was gone, replaced by a long thin red and blue mask, the length of my body, hovering over me. Not exactly scary, but not friendly either, just there, I was seeing it objectively. I was able to speak and told Carol about it. “It’s your sister and brother,” Carol said. She told me to give them each a fairy, one with wings, to protect them. I pictured the children in the photo with me as a baby. I saw them each with their own fairy, lifting them by their shoulders out of the photo into their lives.
Then Carol told me she was in the nursery for either unloved or much loved babies. (I know they’re the opposite of each other, but I don’t know which she said) She described it as white and gold (I immediately saw the Disney ride, It’s a Small World) and told me to find myself in it. I was flying over all the clear plastic cradles looking at the babies, but only saw an empty cradle where I would have been. She told me to open my arms and bring the baby that was me back. I spread my arms wide, feeling the fullness between them and gradually folded them into me, my arms crossed over my chest. (later Carol told me I came back with all the babies, that I wouldn’t leave any behind).
Then Carol was blowing into my heart chakra and into the top of my head. Blowing this piece of myself back into me. The baby I had loathed for most of my life and had in the past couple of days come to love. She would do this a few more time during the healing. And each time I knew a piece of me had come back and there would be more.