The Soft Part Of Me

garden inside

“I have to cry” I said to Mandy, sitting up on the massage table. Like a sneeze, I just had to cry, and not a few tears rolling down the sides of my face either.  Body wrenching sobs that just had to come out.  It didn’t last long, probably not even a minute, but something had shifted inside of me. I had a moment of consciousness where I could see that I was pushing away, or denying the soft part of me.  The vulnerable or what I saw as the weak part of me.  And for a moment, during the energy work that Mandy was doing, I saw that part of me integrated with the rest of me. I told Mandy what I was feeling and realized I was afraid of that soft part.  Mandy suggested I embrace that part of me, invite her in, talk to her, maybe have a cup of tea with her, she was there to help me.    So I laid back  and as Mandy finished the massage, I embraced the soft part of me.

We had a conversation where  I learned she was as afraid of me as I was of her.  The strong, tough, hard part of me was scared to feel vulnerable and saw it as being weak.  The soft part of me was small and slight and all glowing yellow and  she told me how she could help me.   That if I listened to her,  she could warn me when something wasn’t right, when there was something I should stay away from or not do.  She was the sensitive part of me and if we worked together and listened to each other  and protected each other we could be a whole human being.

Then I saw the hulking shell of an old hollow tree, the inside rotted away, the bark hard and empty.  And as I watched, the inside of the hollow old tree  started to fill up with the soft  fertile stuff that a dead tree becomes.  Then flowers started to grow inside of  it and green leaves sprouted from the dead limbs.  There’s a garden inside of me, I thought.

It seems I keep finding pieces of myself.  I know the sensitive part of me, I believe in the importance of vulnerability and yet still I was pushing this part of me away.  Afraid of how it made me feel, weak and worthless and insignificant.  And yet when I embraced it, I could see it for the powerful, intuitive part of me  it really is.  I think it was my trying to come to terms with who I am now and the energy work that Mandy was doing that led me to be able to see myself as whole and incorporate these two parts of me.

When I came home I did a drawing of it so I wouldn’t forget.  Once I draw something I rarely forget it.  Today I drew it on my sewing machine.  I think it’s going to be a pillow.  I’ll let you know when it’s done.

The drawing I did to remember my soft self
The drawing I did to remember the soft part of me

12 thoughts on “The Soft Part Of Me

  1. Maria, this so resonated for me; I’ve been experiencing a similar process as I work with a naturopath who does a method called Body Talk. I come out of her office feeling full of joy and power, and spontaneously affirming the integration of the deeper-knowing parts of me. I’m so grateful to have found her, and this type of healing. I sure would love to buy that pillow, if you’re willing to part with it once it’s finished.

  2. Marie,
    This is a lovely (maybe) pillow and explanation of how it came to be. Being bold on the journey inside as well as remembering to love yourself is so important. Applause! ~Vonnie, NH

  3. Oh Maria, This is one of your most beautiful posts. I so identified that I cried too. You are so lucky to have found Mandy. I am saving this and will share the lesson if you don’t mind. Thanks for being you Maria, Cindy

  4. What a truly beautiful post! Thanks so much for sharing. I will remember those words–there’s a garden growing inside of me . . .

  5. What a beautiful image!!!! Guess to let that garden burst forth from within us all takes care and nurturing of self.

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