Last week, after the high of thinking we had found the perfect person to rent and possibly buy Old Bedlam Farm and then the low of realizing it was not the deal it seemed to be, I was disappointed and angry and I wanted to blame someone for making me feel the way I did.
First I blamed myself, I should have known it was too good to be true, I should have seen the signs. Then I moved onto the Real Estate Agent, she should have seen what I didn’t , isn’t that her job? Then I brought the blame back to myself, and with it came the feelings of victimization and shame. Or maybe it’s the feeling of shame and victimization that led me to look for someone other to blame than the person responsible. Like the child who is abused and believes she did something to deserved it.
Yesterday, when Jon told me he would have to treat his Diabetes with insulin, that feeling of injustice rose up in me again. I knew Jon had Diabetes when I married him, and yet, somehow the idea of insulin made it real to me for the first time. I know there are so many worse chronic illness a person can have, and this one is very treatable, but I still didn’t want it to be true. So instead of being grateful and knowing that since his diagnosis, Jon is healthier in lots of other ways then he was before, I found I was once again angry and looking for someone to blame. Because I had been denying it, because I didn’t want it to be true, I felt once again as if I hadn’t seen what was right in front of me. I should have known. Then my blame reached out, first to the Nurse Practitioner who diagnosed the blood tests and prescribed the insulin. Then, by the time Jon got home, I was blaming him, for not eating better or getting more exercise or letting me help him more.
In the deal with the Old Bedlam Farm, I wanted something to be true that wasn’t, with Jon’s Diabetes, I wanted something that was true not to be true. And instead of just feeling angry or sad or hurt or scared, I tried to avoid those feeling by finding someone to blame. It was easiest to blame myself and hardest to see the true source of the problem. But in either case, blaming doesn’t help. It’s good to understand what happened and who is responsible for what, but blame just muddies the water. It’s a smoke screen that confuses the issues and evokes misplaced emotions.
Blame is like guilt, maybe in its truest form it serves a purpose. But, for me, I can see it has become a way to be the victim or avoid responsibility for how I’m feeling. Knowing this, maybe next time I can skip the blame or at least recognize it when it’s happening. Then I can just let myself feel what I’m feeling, then try to let it go.