Knowing My Power

Power, my power.  A part of me loves the idea of finding my own power, but a bigger part of me fears it. I sat in Athena’s living room and she asked me simply “What comes to mind when you think of power?

It was our first session together.  Athena and Mandy and I have been having weekly lunches together for six months or more, but I never really understood how Athena’s spiritual healing worked.  I’m still not completely sure, but now I’m finding out.  There are things about myself  I want to work on, issues that I can clearly see I want to change.  So I went to Athena with my thoughts and she immediately latched  onto my issues surrounding money and self-worth.  This lead to her question about power. ” You equate money with power” she told me, ” so what comes to mind when you think about power?”

I know I get scared whenever I think of the idea of my own power.  But when I thought about her question I realized for the first time that I equate power with danger.  I see power as a form of coercion.  I picture the murderous dictators of the world,  Politicians and bosses harassing the people who work for them.  I see grown men and young boys bullying whoever they perceive as weaker than themselves.  I see power as evil.

Such a simple question, that opened such a wide doorway.   My definition of power is one way that people use power.  To have power over other people or things.  But that’s not my power.  My power comes from within me, comes through me and emanates out.  It’s not about controlling or bullying it’s about creativity,  honesty and connection.  It comes with being strong enough to be vulnerable and authentic.  It manifests in my art, in the women in my potholders, streaming pieces and drawings.  My power is knowing and believing  in my own self worth and putting a drop of it in everything I make and sending it out into the world.

I’ve been able to see my strength for a while.  It’s a long white “bone” that sits between the bottom of my ribs and the top of my pelvis.  I go there when I need reassurance.  Now I can also see my power.  It’s an aura around that bone.  An orange and gold glowing fire that reaches beyond me.  It’s something positive to be shared not feared.

Now that I have a picture of what my power looks like, it will be easier remember my new understanding  of it.  It’s still somewhat of an abstract idea to me, but I’ve changed my thinking before.  I know at some point my power will just settle into me like a cat curled up on an old chair, familiar and known as if it was always there.