When Jon was in the hospital I kept thinking how strange it was. And it was strange and I wanted to it stay that way, it wasn’t something I wanted to get used to. But as strange as it was it was not out of my realm of belief. Most people have experienced having someone they love in a hospital and having to deal with it all. As strange as it was, it was not something I was unfamiliar with.
But yesterday, when our friend Lisa Dingle sat on our living room floor and told me and Jon to close our eyes and she held up her iphone to video tape us then started to say words that are now a jumble in my mind except that they added up to the fact that a bunch of people got together and bought me and Jon a trip to Disney….well that was really strange. Strange in the way of aliens landing in my back yard. No, even stranger than that, because I’ve imagined aliens landing in my back yard, but have never, never, ever imagined someone (or in this case many someones) giving us a trip to Disney.
And even though I sat there on the love seat with tears leaking out of my eyes, saying nothing, my first thought was that we couldn’t accept this gift. Then I thought we could give it to someone who really needed it. Then something shifted inside of me and I felt something new, and the word “grace” came to mind. I’ve never really understood what the word means and I still don’t think I do. But I think at that moment I felt it. It was an allowing and acceptance and trust. And I felt the sincerity of the gift and the giving. It came off of Lisa in waves. And later when I thought of what it felt like, I saw my body filled up with a gazillion tiny glittering stars and my torso bursting open and those tiny specks floating out of me and up to the sky. As if each star represented all the good wishes and gifts that have come our way since Jon’s surgery. And I understood the good intentions that went along with the gift and the gift is the manifestation of those intentions.
And I came to see that all those people, some who I don’t even know, didn’t give Jon and me this vacation just because we needed it (who doesn’t need a vacation) but because of all that Jon had given to them, everyday with his words and pictures. It’s something that can’t be measured but is felt and lived.
So Jon and I are graciously accepting this wonderful gift with gratitude. And I already know the gift is bigger that the trip to Disney. Because when I had that feeling of the gazillion stars, something inside of me opened up and expanded and I learned how to trust in a whole new way. And it all felt very magical, like what I imagine it must feel like to be sprinkled with fairy dust.