In The Night, A Visitation

Lenore, photo by Jon Katz
Lenore, photo by Jon Katz

Saturday night I had an extraordinary experience, unlike anything that  ever happened to me before.  Something entered me in a dream while I was sleeping  and washed through me. It filled  me with love like I’ve never felt or known.

It was so powerful it  exhilarated me, nearly overwhelmed me, left me sobbing and spent. I’ve read about these experiences, if it happened three hundred years ago, they might have burned me as a witch,  or sent me to a monastery to vanish from the world.

I’m still trying to understand it.

I may never understand it. Too much language about it makes it feel trite, like clichés. Words don’t seem adequate to it. So I woke up crying.  Not because I was sad or scared, but because of what I was feeling, which was overwhelming.  The closest I can come is to say that I experienced a feeling of boundless love that filled my heart and chest and surrounded me, ran through me.  It was almost unbearable.

It came in the form of a dream, in the form of an animal,  as such experiences often do.

I was at Pompanuck Farm, where our friends Lisa and Scott Carrino live.  I was sitting on the ground and  I was holding our dog Lenore,(who in life,  died last year).  There was another dog, Lisa’s dog, who was sitting  in front of Lenore.  Lisa was standing in front of him.  Both Lenore and Lisa’s dog had been gone for a year and had just come back.  I was so happy to see Lenore and as I held her I felt a feeling of love, coming from her into me.

And the feeling got more and more intense so that I no longer recognized it as what I think of as love, it was something else, something more. It was not the kind of love that we feel.  It was so much more powerful, so much more intense. When I woke up crying my first thought was that it was so good to see Lenore, but then I realized the “dream” wasn’t about Lenore.  The dream was about the feeling.  And I was still feeling it.

So what was I feeling?   Is it possible to know?

When I first woke up I didn’t want to think about what I was feeling.  I knew if I tried to put words to it, the words would trivialize the feeling.  I also knew that the feeling was fading and I was trying to hold onto it for as long as possible. It felt so good I wanted to stay in it forever.   Through my tears I described the dream to Jon.  He didn’t laugh at me, or roll his eyes.

He wanted to hear about it, to know about it. He respected it, he did not ridicule it, that would have been horrible for me.

My heart and chest was glowing with light and a swelling sensation.  I kept pressing my body against Jon’s or holding my hand to my chest, because it seemed I needed to protect myself.  That I was so open and vulnerable that anything could come in. But at the same time, I felt no fear at all.  It was like when you hurt yourself and it feels better to be able to hold the painful part of your body.

Except this was the opposite of pain.  It didn’t hurt.

I can only say it was pure love and as wonderful as it felt, it was almost too much, like a light that’s too bright, but you can’t look away.  And it made me sob, it opened me up in a way I couldn’t control.  I couldn’t stop crying, my tears soaking the sheet on our bed.

But what did it feel like?  I honestly can’t remember exactly, it was bigger than the language I have to describe it.  In a sense, I am helpless to capture it.

I couldn’t remember  what it felt like the moment I stopped feeling it. But its memory continues to make me cry when I stop and think about it, so much emotion remains in my heart.

It’s as if I experienced something that doesn’t translate into this life. And maybe it really doesn’t.

And now, with the feeling lost, I only have symbols for it.   One of them is Lenore.  Who was always about love.  She would be the perfect vehicle for me to experience such a thing.  The perfect symbol.  The other images that came to me shortly after the feeling left was light, soft and yellow and a dove.

I’ve been reading a lot about the  different goddesses, the Divine Feminine and using them in my work.  Maybe this opened up something inside of me.  Let something sacred in.

I’m grateful to be in a place in my life where I have good friends around me who I can talk to about what has happened to me.  People who understand and take it seriously.  People who have ideas and thoughts about what might have happened.  People who try to help me understand.

I know something very special happened to me. It’s not something I think I’ll ever forget. I  feel like there was  a message in the experience for me to keep my heart open.  Not to let my fears shut me down.   And I think this is a bit easier now, having felt what I did.  Knowing that such a pure love exists puts my life in perspective.  Makes my problems seem tiny.  But it doesn’t make me feel unimportant, just the opposite.   I feel like I belong to something so much bigger than myself something of  unspeakable, awesome beauty.







25 thoughts on “In The Night, A Visitation

  1. My late husband had a dream like that years ago. He felt it was spiritual. It was frustrating for him because no one believed him. They all said he must have been on drugs, hallucinating, etc. He said it was so real it brought him to tears also. Very powerful! Some things can’t be explained, just accepted.

  2. Heaven….Get saved you will see your animals again. I know they don’t have a soul, but Kat Kerr wrote a book about Heaven. It is called Revealing Heaven. God sees the heart. He is definitely wanting you to be a part of his Kingdom. Get a relationship with Jesus.

  3. …”something sacred of unspeakable awesome beauty.” You said it all and you are the worthy vessel of the love that this vision brought. After Frieda passed, and you got Fate, I often sent messages from the heart to her asking her to visit you, to comfort you. Perhaps, she sent Lenore. The beauty of the vision is all yours to know and hold. Healing of the heart. Amazingly beautiful. You will be blessed for sharing.

  4. I had an experience many years ago that I’ve never been able to explain adequately in words, and have been trying ever since to recapture. It was not a dream; it happened on a workday morning when I had gone to my office quite early. My office was on the 48th floor of a big highrise; it was a corner office with floor-to-ceiling windows on all sides and faced east, overlooking the Delaware River. As the sun began to rise over the river, I was suddenly, absolutely and utterly filled with light, and an overwhelming sense that I can only describe as utter connectedness, a very deep certainty that I was, quite literally, one with the universe. I wouldn’t describe it as love. It felt very serene, very peaceful, very complete. I’ve never forgotten it.

  5. I think you were very lucky to have had this experience. I have had it twice in my life and it is difficult to describe. Jung called it a visit with the numinous I believe. Numinosum is an “out there” subject but quite an amazing experience.

  6. I had a similar experience back in 2011. It didn’t happen in a dream, but once just as I was walking down the hall and another time sitting in the waiting room at a spa. At that time I was doing marketing seminars and social media services. I felt like I was really close to a community of people back then. I was so appreciative of the way my life was moving that for me the experience felt like my heart chakra had opened. It was/is a beautiful feeling that can’t be put into words. The only word I could come up with was deep, deep, ‘gratitude.’ Gratitude so deep that I didn’t know what to do with it. Enjoy your glow. It fits you.

  7. My friend just sent me your story bc we are both dog crazy:) I wanted to reach out because a very similar thing happened to me, although I was awake. About 7 days after my first dog/child, Tige, died at 15, I became filled up from the inside noticably in my chest as if I were pumped with a warm, glowing light. I felt light and the most intense love that I cannot describe. I knew it was from Tige/God because I went from being so heartbroken as if I were ripped apart from the inside. Even the bones in my cheeks hurt during those first 7 days. It was unbearable. But on day 7, when I was overcome by this beautiful light, I was calm and I knew that Tige was okay. I had no more questions. I needed no more answers. She was safe and she was happy and that was all I cared about. It was the greatest gift I could have received and I’m so thankful for it. It has only been five months since she passed, but I have to remember the message I was given and know she’s safe and still loved. I’m so happy to hear about your message/experience! The love of a dog is like no other and to know that your experience was accompanied by your dog makes it even more powerful:) Elena

  8. Many years ago when I started my full time job I suddenly caught sight of another employee who worked in a different department. I always thought of it as a “love at first sight” thing. He was certainly very attractive but there was a whole lot more to it than that. I am not sure what I really believe but I think he and I must have known each other in another lifetime. This time around it was all different, many reasons why we could not be together but there was always a special feeling between us. He died many years ago but he sometimes comes to me in a dream and I experience something similar to what you describe, just pure love, a feeling of being totally protected and safe. It is the most wonderful feeling. It’s not something I could ever take for granted. I am so happy when it happens but I never know if it will ever happen again and I have never worked out just why it comes when it does. I accept that it is something special, part of the great mystery that is life. I am so happy for you that it came to you but I am not at all surprised.

  9. Maria, this same thing happened to me once a few years ago. I’ve never told anyone about it because I didn’t know how to, but I will never forget it. The love came to me in a dream in the form of a person, someone I loved beyond measure but I’m not sure which one. He held me and the feeling was like yours but for me there was heat, the most incredibly satisfying warmth. I interpreted it as the most Perfect Love and I have longed to feel it again. I think it was a little taste of the love that is beyond Death, love in the spirit world.
    Thanks so much for sharing your experience.

  10. What a wonderful, mystical experience. It sounde “realer” than real.I’m happy you were right there with Jon as it happened, because you two love each other so much.

  11. Your sharing of this has given me much food for thought & got my day off to a positive start. You have a gift of words to be able to describe this experience in such a beautiful, meaningful way. So many of your words have a “Spiritual” context for me – love, light, warmth, dove, tears. Thanks you so much for sharing . Mary Ann

  12. Maria, thank you so so much for sharing this experience. You have written simply and eloquently about the feeling. I was visited twice in my dreams after the loss of two beloved animals. One, my first horse Jack. It was the night he died unexpectedly at the farm where I was boarding him. He came to me that night before I knew that he had died, and he told me that he was ok and that I took very good care of him. The dream unfolded with a conversation with a former trainer from who I took lessons and she brokered the sale of Jack to me from neighbors. This person was very very unkind me. And actually told me that she feared for Jack’s life when I decided to stop the bullying and move Jack to another farm. In my dream, I encountered this woman on a golf course (I don’t golf), but it was in appearance the farm at which I lessoned with this woman and where Jack first came into my life. In the dream she asked me, “How is Jack”, with no meanness at all. I replied, “he is just wonderful, he’s really well.” I truly believe that Jack came to me as he was passing to give me that comfort and strength that no matter what this woman said to me, he knew how much I loved him and cared for him. And just recently, my smart, confident orange Tabby Liam, “the orange dog” came to me in series of dreams after not returning home one night recently. So uncharacteristic of him. And, as I was taught by an animal communicator, I reached into a place in my spirit and connected with Liam, and I was flooded with images of him being deceased. And the next evening, I dreamed of him enjoying the outdoors with me as he did every day. During and after each dream I was felt light, filled with love and a lack of worry like I never feel when I am awake. So, we can connect on a level that is so sacred. Thank you again for sharing, I don’t usually feel moved to respond to someone’s blog with such a personal experience.

  13. Hi Maria,

    Have you heard of the Tsunami of Love that is coming from the Divine Mother this year? It’s sweeping through everything in it’s path, and every soul. Check it out on the internet, there’s lots about it. Blessed are you!

  14. Have you read “Living with a Wild God”? It’s a great book, and in it the author Barbara talks about a time where she had an experience very much like this, though she was awake. The world sort of “cracked open” for her. Thank you for sharing. It sounds beautiful.

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