It started with the Zebra print. Then came the horses and riders. But it was deadly serious so I sewed on the orange and yellow flowers. The red and white plaid gave it some structure.
I started it yesterday, when I was feeling the anxiety coming on. It’s partly menopausal, part just who I am. Every month I think maybe the blood won’t come this time. Maybe it’s finally over. But then the symptoms start to show. What feels like an electric pulse coursing through my body, a humming under the surface. My friend Suzy sends me a video of snow geese and I cry even more easily than usual. Little things start to irritate me. The cold air helps, walks in the woods. And the slow and rhythmic sewing of two pieces of fabric together.
I’m often in a frenzy when I design a quilt, pulling fabric off shelves, piles of it on the floor. This time I went slowly. Every piece of fabric I used, I folded up what was left of it and placed it in a neat pile on my desk. I did the same with the pieces I didn’t use.
I set out to make a confusion of color and pattern, then tame it with some blocks and strips of solid colors. I had less control over it than I thought.
I’m volunteering at the Cambridge Co-op this afternoon, so I’ll leave my quilt as it is for now. But I think it might be done. Having some space from it will do me good. It’s keeps calling me back to make sense of it. My eye wandering around making connections. The humming inside of me a little more distant.