“Dorothy Parker once wrote that misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, can be prolonged to the point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only irritation.”
Last night Jon quoted Dorothy Parker in his blog and wrote about getting irritated with himself over his publishing career. And this morning I too got irritated with myself too.
For me it was my lament about not being worthy.
For the past week or so, since I decided to go to India and began receiving support in the form of money and encouraging words for my trip, I’ve been doubting my worth and ability.
One day, Jon and I sat in the livingroom and he opened the mail address to Maria/India Trip that came in our PO box. He read each letter and we kissed some of the cards and thanked others. We both cried on and off. Me, mostly on. I think that was the first step for me in acceptance and receiving.
It’s been a whirlwind, all of this coming on so fast. But my trip to India to teach women who have been victims of sex trafficking, is also very organic. As my friend Athena said, I don’t have to do anything but be Maria.
I know how to make potholders and I know I can teach someone else to make them too. I’ve done it before. And I believe in my potholders. In their accessibility and simple power. They helped me start and grow my business. And they’re still doing it, evolving every day. I know I can pass my experience on to others.
This morning I work up annoyed with myself. Who, I thought, wants to support someone who keeps whining that they’re not worthy. And what am I really looking for? I’ve heard so many times already, through the letters I’ve received, in my email and on facebook how people believe in what I’m doing. How people believe in me.
It’s like I’m standing there saying “Please tell me again who worthy I am”. Uck! I don’t want to be that person.
I have a choice, I can feel bad that people are being so supportive and get anxious and whiny and come across as ungrateful….
….or I can see the truth. That I’m going to Kolkata, India to do some good work. That I am worthy of it and I’m capable of doing it.
And so I am determined to graciously receive all the good coming my way. And to do my very best for the women of Kolkata that I’ll be working with.
Jon came back from the post office this morning with three more letters for me. I took them from him and said thank you, to him and the people who sent them. If felt my heart soften and my spine straighten and a smile spread across my face.
I am going to do such good thing with this money I thought. And I am going to savor each kind word and let them take up space in my body. And I’m going to do really good work, for the people I encounter and for myself and watch it spread, potholder by potholder.
You can see you my Indigogo here.