When my ex-husband and I were coming to the end of our marriage, he accused me of not being nice anymore. I understood that this meant I had stopped subjugating myself to him. I had stopped surrendering.
This tactic worked in the past, it was a matter of survival for me, as it is and has been for so many women.We learned how to manipulate men, because that was the only way we could have any power at all.
Until now.
As a matter of fact I learned to submit to it early in life. Of course I wanted to be nice. As a girl I was taught that’s what boys and men like in girls. And demand.
I can remember my older brother doing something like taking my doll and strangling it, or taunting me about the way I looked.
When I tried to get back what was mine or defend myself, he would turn all sweet and act like he was hurt. “You’re being mean to me,” he’d say and act sad.
And I fell for it every time.
I didn’t want to be mean. I wanted to be nice. Even if it was at my expense. That was what I had been taught, what was demanded of me, especially from my father. Who was not, I noticed, nice to women.
The men didn’t have to be nice. I did.
So when I watched the Debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump and Trump started whining that the campaign ads that Clinton was running weren’t nice, I felt my blood rise.
At the moment it happened, I didn’t understand my physical reaction, but reading about the debate afterwards and thinking about it, I now understand. It got very personal, for me as well as Hillary Clinton.
Can you imagine if one of the Republican Candidates that Trump debated in the primaries stood on stage and whined that Donald Trump wasn’t being nice to them?
Talk about a double standard.
The thing is Trump expects that kind of thing to work for him because Hillary Clinton is a woman. He expects her to feel bad about not being nice to him, because that’s what his experience with women has been. In my experience, it’s what many men believe.
And that’s why Trump sees nothing wrong with saying it. To him, it’s just the way the world works.
My heart is pounding as I’m writing this. Because since the debate I’m seeing that the misogyny that I experienced growing up in my home is so wide-spread and accepted that a presidential candidate in 2016 doesn’t know that it’s not okay to call a woman fat, pig, dog, slob.
I used to think the problem was me, there must have been something wrong with me. I don’t feel that way any longer.
Donald Trump doesn’t know there’s anything wrong with calling former Miss Universe Alicia Machado ,” Miss Piggy.” And that there’s anything wrong with the idea that her gaining weight is a problem for him, which gives him the right to subject her to being publicly humiliated and harassed.
I grew up hearing my father call women the same names Donald Trump calls women. And I’m not blind to sexism. I see it all the time through out my whole life in the way that only someone who is subjected to it can see it. Some sexism is so subtle, and has become such an expected part of my life that I don’t even notice or take exception to it.
In the article Hillary Clinton Will Not Be Manturrupted by Jessica Bennett, Bennett spoke of how men and boys are regularly talking over women and girls and interrupting them (Trump constantly interrupted Clinton in the debate).
Because of Bennett, the word “manturrupting”, which defines this phenomenon, is now a part of our vocabulary. The article claims that women are less likely to speak up, to be heard and often have their idea taken away from them by men. ( Zelda Fitzgerald, Robert Lewis Stevenson’s wife, Fanny Stevenson and Vera Nabokov are the first to come to mind).
This hit me hard, because this is about a persons voice or loss of it. And as someone who only recently found her voice, I know how important it is.
I don’t think I understood how prevalent this idea of manturrupting was until reading this article and seeing it occur in the debate. I always took it personally, like there was something wrong with me for not speaking up.
Now I see there’s something wrong with a society, where this is accepted.
The idea of the first woman president in not lost on me. I get choked up every time I think of it. I hear a lot of younger women saying it doesn’t really matter to them. And a part of me thinks that’s good. It means they didn’t grow up with the sexism women of my generation did.
But there’s still so much sexism that goes on in this country and much of it is just under the surface. So we may not even understand what’s really happening until someone gives it a word. Like manterrupting.
I guess the good thing to come out of Donald Trump being a blatant and unapologetic misogynist is that it puts it all out in the open. We get to see how many Americans, both male and female feel the way he does. And we get to witness and explore the more subtle aspects of sexism through his interactions with Hillary Clinton.
I can’t wait to vote for Hillary Clinton, who I’m beginning to see as the Crone Archetype.
In our time The Crone is known as a repulsive, older woman, a witch to be ostracized from society.
Traditionally, she is the wise and powerful postmenopausal woman. Both feared and loved and “ever ready to rekindle the inner fire of your creative souls.” As you can see, she’s already doing that for me.
What a wonderful, powerful, articulate post. Your voice is getting stronger and more vibrant every day. Your confidence in your view and voice is inspiration for all the silenced ones. Bravo…keep it up!
Amen!
Thank you so much for writing this!!!! Our mother (who we loved) favored her only living son over “the three girls!” She loved us, too, but she had bought into the idea that we were to obey men. I plan to listen to what I say and what others say to figure out what I shouldn’t be doing anymore!!! Thank you!!!
Maria, I’ve had life experiences similar to yours. It has taken years to peel away the layers and heal. Would you want to be judged on what you did and said 20 years ago? Obviously, you have grown; are no the same person.
Better to be current regarding such things and to examine decisions and consequences of the one with responsibilities and leadership positions…and to be gender-neutral. It is too, too easy for our personal pathology to blind us.
That’s just what I’m doing Linda. Not making judgements based on me, but based on the facts. And voting for the person I believe will be the best President.
Hi Maria
Thank you for writing this. I am glad to now have a word to explain what he did during the debate and it describes what I have also experienced many times.
I was equally disturbed by DR’s calling Rosie O’Donnell horrible names which Hillary described and he arrogantly replied ‘She deserves it’. That is exactly what a spousal abuser says. It made my skin crawl.
Most prosecutors, defense attorneys also know about spousal abusers who say ‘she deserves it’. I saw Lawrence O’Donnell from MSNBC do a segment after the debate called ‘live with Lawrence O’donnell’ which he does in his office and he spoke about this in detail and he called it exactly that – the words that abuser say and he was appalled that DT spoke those words.
I think it is important that we all call out this behavior. Thanks again for speaking on this. I am proud to be voting for Hillary Clinton. Your post really resonated with me.
Yay for you, Maria! I, too, previously lived a life like yours and, finally, in my Medicare years after several years of hard mental work and supported by love of friends, I live with peace and happiness. It takes vigilance, though. That stuff we grew up with and accepted for years afterwards waits to creep back in. But never!, never!
never! will I fall back. And neither will you.
All my best to you and Jon. I start my day with your blogs and enjoy the opportunity as a city-bred woman living a simpler rural life (but without all those critters you love and care for – I do have my sweet dog Danny)to cheer you on in your quests.
I so agree with you, Maria. I had a different upbringing, but girls and women were still expected to be “nice”. I’m lucky in having had good parents who never intentionally gave any suggestion that men were better than women, but it’s very pervasive in society. That’s one thing that disturbs me so much–I’m a child of the ’60s and we should be SO much farther along in this journey to accept women as true equals than we are. I did not watch the debate as I already know how I will vote and cannot bear to waste one moment of my life listening to that horrible man.
I live with it everyday…..
YES! No More surrender!
Womansplaining is enlarging, empowering. Thank you.
Truth. I hope many read this.
I have to admit, this is very thought provoking. Thank you Maria.
Bravo.
I’m so glad Jon shared your link, Maria. Often I forget to check out your blog. I see his because it shows up on my Facebook page. Just a quick note to tell you how much I appreciate your thoughts, and well said!
Janene
Well said. I wish I could understand why so many women do not see Trump for what he is or do see and don’t care. And, why do so many women seem taken in by the double standard by which Hillary Clinton is so often judged. What so many have described as a smirk I see as the look of a woman who knows when a bully is at full throttle because she has seen it before and knows exactly what she should say next. It turns out all the progress I thought was made with regard to equality for women and minorities is a paper thin veneer. God help us if that man wins.
Great post Maria. Why are so many blind to who Trump really is.
Maria, what a great piece you wrote about women finding their voice! I also am looking forward to voting for Hillary and am astounded at how many men AND women are supporting Trump. I have enjoying following your blog for quite a while and am happy that you are now “speaking up” about your feelings. Thanks!
Sue
Powerful stuff here. Thank you!
Well said Maria! I agree 100%!
Thank you for this beautifully written and heartfelt piece, Maria. If any good can come out of Donald Trump’s candidacy, it will be to bring awareness like this to the surface so that it can be out in the open for all to see. He represents the dark side of the American psyche, which, hopefully, can be purged by the light.
It saddens me greatly what a bully and sexist he is. You might enjoy this movie I just learned about and i watched last night…though parts are difficult to watch…”Suffragette.” But how important it is to be reminded, just as your post has done, Maria, that women deserve to be treated as equals. Its a powerful movie.
My father loved me but he was very critical and verbally abusive to me and my Mom. He could no more understand the real unkindness of it than Trump can. They cannot even understand that this is not how everyone feels. Trump said, “Everyone agrees she deserved it.” No they don’t agree!
Oh, wow, thank you so much for this. I can sure see this now, but maybe needed to hear it in different words, and from a woman. All my life I feel I have been ignored and put down. I have felt guilt over things that I should not have! I can hardly wait to welcome our first woman president! I think she will do just fine!
Thank you Maria and Jon
Bravo Maria! We’ve come a long way but not long enough❤️
Maria, you’ve put your finger on generations of women who were subjugated to men. I grew up expecting to get married, have children, support my husband in a career, entertain for him, look pretty on his arm and I was good eye-candy for him. And then he died. I was 34 at the time. All my emotional eggs were in a man’s basket. I was Mrs. Robert So& So. And then he was no more. Who was I? From that point on, I determined to be an individual. The fact that I was a female didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t overly popular with the men of my generation. And, I am barely able to watch Donald Trump. Most of my women friends feel the same. He sneers when he speaks, watch his mouth, how it moves. His eyes go from slits to pop-eyes, as though to scare the listener. He is a fear-monger, he criticizes but he offers no concrete remedies to try and fix what he’s fear-mongering about. He reacts to the slightest personal criticism but enjoys dishing it out. A true narcissist, he projects blame onto other people, onto a mike that he felt was defective, onto the moderator, a person of colour, a good choice perhaps because it put it right in Donald Trump’s face, the people he has so denigrated. I’ve tried to remain open about him but increasingly he is so objectionable that I can’t even look at him on television with his scrambled egg dyed hair, is it a wig, to watching him, he’s not funny, he thinks he is, putting people down as he does and he did so blatantly with Hilary Clinton in the debate, she held her own and he frankly embarrassed himself. If there are enough people who would vote for a wind-bag, then let them. If he gets in watch how quickly he’ll shut his mouth, he’s nothing but a big blow-bag telling people he can fix everything because he’s been so successful in business that he will fix the whole of the United States. Superman, he ain’t, but he’d like to have you believe he is. Vote for me, I’ll ‘fix’ things in the US to the way they should be run. Frankly he scares the heck out of me and you’ve pointed out a very good truism, there are still misogynists amongst the men in power and elsewhere too. I hope Hilary blows Donald Trump out of the water, no…I hope Donald Trump blows himself out of the water. I just can’t believe people can’t see through him.
SandyP in Canada
I’m so glad you’ve found your voice and are sharing it with others. The irony of your words was not lost on me when my reading was interrupted midway through your post by a call from my soon to be ex-husband! I, too, was taught to be a nice girl and have been subtly manipulated myself – especially when I attempted to break free and claim my own powerful voice. Thank you.
Yes! Thank you for speaking out in a powerful and personal way against the culturally sanctioned tactics used by Donald Trump and others. What you write really exposes the many subtle ways that women are silenced and diminished, as children and as adults. So many women can relate to this kind of experience. I also love it that you address the matter of the ‘crone’ archetype, which can be a problem, but also a source of empowerment, wisdom and creative power, for Hillary and the rest of us. I’m thrilled with what you write here, and with Hillary’s courage and spirit.
Maria, I could feel your energy and passion coursing through your well thought out this post. Your strength and personal story are inspiration to me.
Do you need any extra fabric to take with you to India?. If you do I have a little bit that I could send you. If you mention this on your blog there might be other quilters who have fabric to share.
Sincerely,
Chris Lent
Thanks Chris. I’m planning on taking some fabric to India, and I have a lot already that people have offered. I’ll have to see how much I can take. It seems there are too many tariffs to ship it there.
Absolute truth Maria. Thank you for saying so well what we are all feeling. I too grew up believing that a woman’s value was being pretty for her man and staying quiet and agreeable at all times. My dad would come home from work and describe what women were wearing and how it looked in detail. Made me believe that outward appearance was the only way to have value. Add that to fashion magazines and media and no wonder we have no voice!
How powerful and how I agree. The sexism that pervades his entire campaign is so repulsive. I have such a history of discrimination and sexism in my early career – sued the bank that I worked for over 12 years for discrimination and came out a winner. It was an eye opener for me and I never, never gave up on women’s rights. Thank you for sharing those wonderful thoughts…You are priceless.
Clara
So are you Clara. Thanks you for what you’ve done. Chuck told us your story when we first met him.
Misogyny, looking down on women, squelching their power is still rampant in our society. It has become (for the most part) more subtle, but I see it all the time. Commercials still show the woman *almost* without exception cleaning up the messes that the men and children make. Women are still referred to as ‘girls’ pretty much no matter how old they are. I just saw a documentary where they referred to the 23 year old female victim of a crime as a “young girl”. And it took until 2016 (for krissakes) for the American Bar Association to make it punishable for attorneys or judges to refer to female attorneys IN COURT with insulting and demeaning terms – that would have an impact on how the jury perceived them. I am constantly taken to task for being offended by these things. Mostly by men, but sometimes by women. Mind you, I don’t get up in arms, I just point out that we have really not progressed much since the 70’s and that it bothers me at a core level as a woman, but I am told that I should just relax and that most of this stuff is meant as a compliment. Please – please – save your compliments.
Dear Maria, You are such a powerful voice. So many of us women can identify with your experiences and your feelings. It is when we say “enough” that our adventure begins.I think it is Lynne above, who says she lives with this every day. This makes me feel so helpless. I hope she reads and re-reads your words. I wish her strength and courage to one day finally say “enough” and begin her journey. When I think of Trump all I want to do is swear and cuss till I run out of steam.
Bravo Maria!!! Yeah for you on many levels, the crone has spoken. From one Crone to another! Tess
Thank you and bless you for writing When I Wasn’t Nice. Thank you for being one of the many torch bearers who are seizing this moment and casting a blaze of light into the unacknowledged darkness of sexism and misogyny. It is thrilling to be alive right now.
I have stopped sharing much on Facebook, but I had to post this. This was eloquent and powerful, more so for being so personal and honest. Thank you!
Maria, this is a powerful -deeply powerful – piece. Listening to the debate (we could not watch it) I was sickened by DT’s condescension and rudeness. Hillary took none of it and was fearless in her responses to it. You honor all women in this piece, who have ever had to deal with men in their lives who try to overpower the real strength that women have, and have always had. I believe many men fear this true and natural power of women. I hope many men read this…
Great article Maria. I totally agree but couldn’t have written it as clearly and vibrantly as you. Thank you for speaking out for all of us who have felt we have to be ‘nice’ as all cost.
We need to stand up for our truth and say a firm No to any form of manipulation or bullying including ‘manterruption’.
What to go, Maria. Even as they left the stage, Trump did that Man Thing of placing his hand on her back as if he were guiding or protecting Hillary. Maybe a throw back to Chivalry or Real Manners, but coming from him after a Presidential Debate, I saw as just another Condescending Act of Male Chauvinism.
Wow, great, powerful blog, Maria… I rarely respond, but I felt I had to say something to you.
Maria – Well done! I also thought the same thing when Mr. Trump kept interrupting Mrs. Clinton. I couldn’t understand why the moderator allowed it. And, I really dislike the way the media has portrayed Mrs. Clinton’s physicality, like “she needs to smile more”, or what’s up with her clothes…” who cares? She is a presidential candidate. She has bigger things to worry about than those things. She wants to run our country. I remember reading an article about Margaret Thatcher and how the public disregarded her because of her sex. Enough is enough… I’m tired of being too nice too!
It is lovely being allowed to experience the journey of finding your voice. And in that voice – you afford others the courage to begin their own journeys. Thank you Maria.
Congratulations!!!!!!!The spark you lit turned into a bonfire
I hope it Awakens those women who still have. Doubts
Remember a vote for Hillary is a vote against Trump
I am proud to be your neighbor Ray Scott
Well said Maria, he disgusts me.
Yes yes yes!!! Awareness is the first step, and I do hope that women wake up and take back their power after seeing Trump’s very blatant abuse of so many women. Your wonderful piece took me back to a specific time in my life when I had to make a big decision and my choices were to be a doormat or be a b*tch. There was no middle ground. I chose the latter and never regretted it. Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings!
Yes,yes and yes. My first marriage was dismal. He was 11 years older and I was a dear little convent-bred European wife. Then he died and I blossomed. I learned so many things–worked while earning MA and Ph D to do work I had always dreamed of in museum restoration and history and rare books ggand supported myself and my two children , did house repairs, etc., etc,.
Two years later I married my dearly loved present husband. Our 40 years anniversary is this coming Saturday. He is some years younger than myself and a whole different generation from my first: gentle, kind and supportive–and I have stopped being endlessly on the defensive.
I can’t wait to run to the polling station and vote for Hillary. Here in Delaware the state is solidly Democrat–a nice place to live!
Nailed it Kay!
I wanted to write something long & intelligent here, but really what it boils down to, is nailed it!
Maria:
Great posting! I feel the exact same way you do! I am 50 year old feminist who cannot wait to vote for Hillary Clinton! I cannot believe how many men AND women who are defending Trump and his misogynist, racist beliefs…
It is sometimes women who adjure other women to “be nice.” There is a certain strain of narcissism among progressive women, in that we believe we are uniquely equipped–nay, even GIFTED–to “raise the tone” of every conversation by our Innate Womanly Nurturing Goodliness.
The worse is when women fail to support a woman who is verbally challenging a male. The whole, “Don’t rile him up, just shut up and let him have the last word” thing. One woman said she would never say anything in her husband’s presence that she knew he wouldn’t approve of, “because otherwise I’ll never hear the end of it.”
I couldn’t agree more with you Maria, it might be of interest to you to know that in Nottinhgam over here the police force are treating mysogyny as a hate crime!
That makes so much sense Clare.