Kolkata Diary. I’m Ready For India

I know it looks like I’m standing here in front of you, I want to say, like I’m sitting here next to you.

But my mind is already on a plane to India.  It’s looking through disembodied eyes, at a stock street scene of Kolkata.  No sounds or smells, not even any faces on the people, just lots of color and thin lines of grime.

Focus, someone wrote to me.

When you get to India you’ll be overwhelmed.  So many people need so much.  But you can’t help them all, you have to stay focused on why you’re there.  You may feel like you can never do enough, but stay focused.  Every little thing that each person does makes a difference.

It was good to get back into my studio today.  To focus on making the back and putting together my latest quilt,  Before India.  It felt normal, when the past few days have felt anything but.

Go already, Jon says to me.  You’re barely here anymore.

And it’s true.

But we’re also savoring these days before I leave.  We stay a little longer in bed in the morning.   The donkeys braying impatiently outside the window.  We go to bed earlier, watching Four Seasons in Havana and  reruns of Poirot on the ipad.   We’re eating out more, as if we’re celebrating something.   And walking quietly in our back woods.

It’s as if we’re in limbo, waiting for something to happen.

But we’re separating too.  Getting ready to be alone, without each other.

Jon’s writes constantly, till his eyes are red.  He teases me about finally being able to have some peace once I’m gone.  Makes up stories about how I won’t want to come back.  He takes walks alone on the road.

I walk  in the woods with the dogs.  Go through my list of the things I have to do before I leave.  Have lunch with friends.  Sit in my studio and stare, not seeing what’s in front of me.

And then those moments of focus.  Working on my quilt, writing, taking pictures and videos.  It’s only when I’m doing these things, and making love to Jon, that my mind is in my body again.

Focus.

What if I can’t write while I’m in India, I asked Jon.  What if I’m too overwhelmed.  Then you won’t write he answers me.

You will be overwhelmed, Dahn said to me on the phone.  Just go with it.

Well I’m ready.  Ready for India.  Ready to be overwhelmed.

So ready I sent my mind out ahead of me so I can catch up with it.