Giving Change Space

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the kind of anxiety I’m feeling today.  I haven’t been completely myself since coming home from India.

I really thought it was just about getting over the physical stuff.  The jet lag, the aches and pains that come from sitting on a plane for 48 hours.  The change in diet, the effects of the malaria pills, the disruption from the familiarity and  comforts of everyday life.

After two weeks I was sleeping regular hours again without taking naps and feeling like myself.

Or so I thought.

I am the kind of person who always wants everything to be okay.  Sometimes to a fault. I like to move on. But sometimes I move on to quickly and leave parts of myself behind.

I think my anxiety is telling me to slow down.

I did so many things on my trip that I’ve never done before.  From traveling  alone overseas to spending  a lot of time with people I didn’t know at all or barely knew, to seeing and experiencing a world I’ve  never even imagined.  It was also very emotional.

And I felt like I handled it all really well.  Not that I didn’t have any difficulties, but that I dealt well with what came my way.  My ability to be honest  and my confidence surged.

But now that I’m home I’ve been feeling a very old and familiar anxiety.

My confidence, when I’m working in my studio, has slipped.  It feels like when I first started my business almost 10 years ago.  I’m actually reluctant to post my work on my blog.  I’m uncomfortable putting up a picture of the quilt I’m working on.

I’m not used to feeling this way anymore.  I feel like I’ve gone back in time.  And not to a good place.

When I think of my trip, a part of me wants to just be able to forget it and go back to the way things were before I left.

I guess that’s most telling.  Because I’m not the same as I was then.  The trip has changed me.  And even if I can’t articulate or know yet how, it’s working on me.

The anxiety is a sign that I’m not ready to move on and I can’t go back.  I want to rush passed it and just get back to work, but my body is telling me something else.

There’s a process taking place inside of me, and I have to give it the space to happen.

I think this means being more conscious of what I’m feeling.  It means, taking the time to meditate, do yoga, tapping and take walks when I start to feel anxious.  And it means not dismissing what I’m feeling as being over indulgent or weak.

Before I left for India, I had a dream that made me think of the trip as in initiation.  If that’s true, then I wonder what happens after the initiation is over.  Maybe there’s  an adjustment period.  Perhaps a time of reflecting on what occurred and how to move forward.

Whatever happens next, I need the space to allow for the changes within me.



10 thoughts on “Giving Change Space

  1. Hoping you can give yourself whatever time is needed to work through an emotional, but exciting time in your life. Giving of yourself for those two weeks and continuing to assist those lovely ladies is something I thank you and admire you for undertaking. Now, lean back and do what your need to do.

    So glad you have been willing to share your stories through a blog. You are cherished by me.

  2. So well articulated, Maria. Maybe this is the metamorphosis time, the time just before germination. You are a wise woman to recognize what is/ or is not working for you since returning. Rest assured, those you met in India are also changed because of your trip.

  3. I don’t think there is any way possible to travel from our consistent culture to a inverted opposite culture WITHOUT a shock to the system. Not necessarily a jolt so much as an opening. Give yourself p*l*e*n*t*y of space to assimilate all the stimulus and paradoxes. From the farm, to modern-day Dubai, to India. Just think about that!! Time travel in a capsule. I, for one, can’t wait to see what creative core it emblazoned.

  4. Morning Maria, glad you are over the jet lag, that spacey, disconnected feeling is so weird! I always find dealing with the big storms makes me feel anxious too, the out of control feeling of battling the snow, wondering if the power will stay on, is there enough firewood, are the animals are OK.

    Reading your post about being unsure of your work, and having the same feelings as when you started making things to sell, made me think why don’t you go back to the beginning and work on a batch of potholders? They are so linked to the India trip, but so familiar, your brain can unscramble a bit while you create them. No mention yet of the ‘made in India’ batch being ready for sale, so not like your customers have to choose between whose to buy.

    Yoga is wonderful, but I also remembered you mention your drumming, I went to a local women’s drum circle a few times, and it was always a wonderful release to just go with the flow on the tempo and beat and bang my drum.

    Look forward to reading about you working through this….

  5. This makes sense to me, that you would need space to process your experience in India and its meaning, which may not be evident to anyone else, or even to yourself at this time. Perhaps the anxiety stems from an instinctual need to protect an emerging new awareness or vision that is still germinating, that needs to reveal itself first to you alone. Sacred things sometimes require sacred space. Perhaps this subject requires a private journal for a time.

  6. regarding esp. the last part of your writing…so insightful and postive about yourself. no negative thoughts of not doing enough.
    your growing…learning about yourself. listening to yourself..your heart.
    what a difference from when you very first came home.
    many many hugs to you.

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