The Gift From Gus. The Place of Love and Forgiveness

There’s a place inside of me that is wiser than my brain and more loving than my heart.

It’s at the bottom of my belly, in my gut.  It’s as expansive as the Universe.  It’s my place of knowing.  When I go there it’s like I’m  looking at the earth from outer space.  It’s a big picture perspective that allows me to see the truth.

I know this now, because I went there when we were thinking of euthanizing Gus.

It was from this place that clarity came to me.

The weekend before Gus died, I couldn’t stop crying.  Jon and I were talking about when it would be best to euthanize him.  From one moment to the next I would be certain it was the right thing to do sooner rather than later, then I would doubt myself.

And my heart just ached at the thought of it.

It was Sunday night when I realized I had lost my spirituality when it came to  Gus and what was best for him.

So I sat down to meditate and when I did, I could see that I was stuck in my head and in my heart.

So I dropped down, into my gut.  With that,  came a calm.  My mind was finally quiet and my heart felt as if it was respectfully waiting for me to return.

From that place deep inside of my belly I could see Gus from a great distance.  Not from the narrow view of my own existence.  I could see him as his own being, on his own journey.  Intertwined with mine only in that I was a part of it.

From that place I could see clearly that my role in Gus’ life was not just to love him selfishly, but to love him unconditionally.  Which meant, me getting out of the way and  doing what was best for him.

In that place, I had no doubts.  Gus was suffering and needed me and Jon to help him die.

There is a Hindu story about Krishna when he was a boy.  His mother looked in his mouth and saw the whole universe inside of him.

That’s what it feels like I when I drop down to that place deep in my belly.  It feels like the whole universe is inside of me.

There, the chatter of my mind is silenced.   In that place I feel a different kind of love than I feel in my heart.  It’s an unconditional love. There’s no need or desire. No aching pain.   There’s understanding and empathy.  It’s a detached kind of love.  An expanded, all encompassing love.

And it’s from this place, from this kind of love, that forgiveness comes from.

I could never grasp the idea of forgiveness.  I would hear people tell stories about parents, siblings  or spouses who were abusive to them and they were able to forgive them.  Even to say they loved them.

When I’m in my brain and in my heart, this idea is anathema to me.  My whole being protests.

But when I drop down, in the universe of my belly, I can finally forgive.   This is the place where forgiving comes from.

I can’t live there all the time.  I don’t even think I’d want to. But now I know it exists inside of me.  And I can go there when I need to.  When I need clarity and knowing.  When I’m looking for forgiveness.

I found that place, of unconditional love and forgiveness inside of me,  because of Gus.  Like Dorothy’s ruby slippers, it was there all along, but it was Gus and his disease that led me to it.