It was one of those big old houses that had so many rooms, it was easy to get lost in, even though I lived there.
Everything was covered in shades of dirty white peeling paint. I walked to the end of the hallway where the bathroom was. Across from it was a bedroom and as I reached out for the bathroom doorknob, I felt five small, warm, soft fingers take my hand.
And although I knew I was alone, the feeling was so visceral, I could actually see the small disembodied fingers on mine.
I knew it was a ghost and I tried to yell.
But I was so scared, that not only couldn’t I make a sound, but I couldn’t move either. I kept trying to yell. After a while I was finally able to move my body and I ran down the hallway and down the stairs to the first floor of the house.
It was only when I was downstairs and had calmed down, that I realized the ghost was a little girl and that I didn’t need to be afraid of her. That she was probably looking for help to move on to the other side.
That’s when I woke up.
The dream got my attention.
It haunted me throughout the day. I began to wonder if the ghost girl in my dream wasn’t the same as the “little Maria” that I’ve talked with over the years. The little girl who is me, who still lives inside of me. The one who I’ve learned to reassure and sooth when I find myself scared or anxious for no good reason.
Maybe, like the ghost girl in the dream, the “‘little Maria” inside of me is ready to move on.
Ready to be integrated with who I am now.
I first spoke to “Little Maria” in therapy over 10 years ago. “Go back in your mind”, Selma, my therapist said to me, “to those times when you were frightening, traumatized. Rescue your younger self. Talk to her, tell her what you wanted to hear back then. Do what you have to do to get her out of those situations and into a safe place”.
We’ve been though a lot together me and “Little Maria”. We’ve revisited many frightening times and places from the past. And I rescued her from all of them. Comforting and reassuring her. Bringing her home to live with me as I am now.
Is it time for me to let go of “Little Maria”? How do I even do that? Do I tell her, like I would a ghost, to “Go the light“? That’ doesn’t feel right. I can’t send her back out alone.
So maybe it’s not about letting go, but becoming one with each other. It is an integration after all. An integrated self. I don’t know how that would happen. At this moment, I can’t imagine it.
But I will.
I’ll work on it. Research it. Figure it out. Because I believe in this dream and what it’s telling me. I wouldn’t hesitate to help the ghost girl in my dream to move on, I’m not going to hesitate to help myself.
4 thoughts on “The Ghost Girl and “Little Maria””
I love reading about your dreams Maria, you are so good at trusting the story that is unfolding and bringing something in your life to light. My dreams are a crazy jumble and I can’t make any sense of them. Thank you for sharing with your readers.
Sometimes my dreams seem to make no sense until I tell them to someone out loud Terri. Then they often seem to fall into place and I can see their meaning.
I will try that Maria, I do think our dreams come to offer us something. Insight about some area of our lives or sometimes a visit from someone we have had interaction with. When I was working as a hospice nurse , I would have dreams with my patients or their family members in them. I always loved those dreams.
I believe that too Terri. Your dreams about your hospice patients and families must have been powerful.