I haven’t written about Bud much. And I haven’t been thinking about him much either.
Not because I don’t care about him. I’ve been protecting myself.
I didn’t want to get too excited about him or get to know him long distance just in case something went wrong and we couldn’t get him.
After Gus dying and the disappointment of Gus’s mother, Hannah, not getting pregnant, I wasn’t up for anymore great dog disappointments.
A few days ago, when Jon wrote the letter to Gus on his blog, I told him I wasn’t going to read it. Jus the idea of it made me sad. Then he gave me a copy of the new chapter for his next book to read. It’s the story of Gus, told by Jon who is basically talking to Gus.
So I got to cry about Gus again, anyway.
But it also made me think how with Bud coming, it’s another kind of goodbye to Gus. Not that Bud will replace him, but I’ve experienced this a couple of times before.
I thought and dreamt about my dog Lestat for years after he died. It wasn’t until I got Frieda, who was similar in some ways to Lestat, that I stopped dreaming about him. I noticed that Frieda took up the space in my mind that Lestat used to. Not that I forgot about him, just that he didn’t occupy the same place in my life that he had.
The same thing happened after Frieda died and we got Fate.
So I know what will happen. And thinking about made me cry even more. Because now that I’m aware of it, it felt like a betrayal of sorts.
I texted my friend Suzy about it and she wrote back that Bud was going to fill the hole that Gus left. She wrote… “the home you provide Bud after his struggle and hard little life prior to finding his way to you is going to continue the healing from the loss of Gus”.
I liked that idea. Again the thought of us all being connected came to mind. If it’s true, then the line from Gus to Bud is clear to me.
I’m writing about this all now because we just got word that Bud tested negative for Heartworm, which means we’ll be able to pick him, in Brattleboro up on Saturday. He’s coming all the way up from Arkansas in a truck filled with dogs that will be stopping along the way to drop off dogs to be adopted.
I think now that I’m aware that Bud coming home is another kind of good-bye to Gus, I’ll do something to mark it. Maybe a meditation thanking Gus for being in our lives and for paving the way for Bud. Maybe I’ll leave a biscuit on Gus’s grave and see if Bud finds it.
For the practical part of the ceremony, I’ll get out Gus’s old crate and the small dog beds from the attic. Then, Jon and I will go to Petsmart and get whatever else we need.
And I’ll try to let Fate know. I’ll look at her and picture Bud and images of her and Gus playing. Then picture Fate and Bud playing. I’ll imagine what it might be like when Bud and Fate meet for the first time.
Maybe she’ll pick it up and if not, she’ll get it when Bud really does come home. Red won’t need this kind of introduction, he’s accepting of whoever comes to the farm.
The reality that we’re actually getting Bud will take a while to sink in, when it does, I’ll be able to get excited about it. Now I’m ready to enjoy that part, the anticipation of him coming home.
2 thoughts on “Welcome Bud”
Maria this is such a touching post. A wonderful lacing together of Gus and Bud. Gus was such a special dog that even those of us who read your and Jon’s posts will not ever forget him. Bud will be his own little guy but a continuation of the thread that Gus began. Another chapter begins….
Dear Maria, I am so excited for you!!! Bud coming to Bedlam Farm feels so right. As Loretta has written “a continuation of the thread that Gus began” Annie