I can’t explain it. Not one word comes to me when I try.
Jon says it’s just who I am. It’s where I belong. I get what he’s saying, but it’s just an intellectual, abstract idea. I can’t process its meaning and how it relates to me and how I feel.
But it is this ineffable feeling that makes me keep going back to Bellydancing class every week.
It’s this feeling that comes to me when I’m in class, when I’m learning something new, which is constant, and when I’m dancing. I mean really dancing, in those rare moments when I’m in my body, feeling it move to the music, and not in my head, wondering if I’m doing it right or wrong.
It’s this feeling that fills me up as I sit in my car alone driving home, listening to the music I was just dancing to with the other women in my class.
This feeling brings me to the edge of tears, but doesn’t make me cry.
And it makes me feel good about myself, not because I’m good at what I’m doing, but because my body loves to move in the ways I’m learning to dance. Not that it’s natural or easy, but that on some level, it seems my body already knows. As if it’s been waiting to be reawakened.
Is this who I really am, as Jon says?
It seems unimaginable to me.
So for now, I’ll just keep feeling what I feel and doing what I do. And I’ll leave the words to explain it for another time.