Enjoying My Success

That’s Flo through the flowers, sleeping on the crate on the porch.

Now I’m really able to get monthly donation on my blog.

My web designer had made the changes I wrote about yesterday.  I so appreciate all of you letting me know my monthly donations were working.

Soon, to make it even easier,  I’ll have two buttons on my “Support My Blog” page.  One will be for monthly donations and another for one time donations.

Thanks to so many of you for sending annual and monthly donations since yesterday.  I’m just realizing the impact of having those regular donations. How they will help free me up to do my work without having to worry as much about having money coming in.

That’s one of the downsides of self-employment as an artist, the pay is unpredictable.  But the regular payments are  an affirmation that each time I take a Monday Morning Video, or spend my time writing instead of sewing, I’ll still be getting paid for it.

When I opened my email this morning and saw all the donations, honestly, I got a little scared.  A part of me immediately  wanted to send thank-you’s and another part of me ( the part that won), wanted to run and hide.

Instead of my feeling of self-worth soaring, it plummeted.

I still struggled with the idea of being afraid of success.  It rings true, but when I try to think about it, it makes no sense to me at all.   I certainly feel it though and that makes even less sense to me.

All morning anxiety raced through my body.  Then finally I stopped, set my  timer for 15 minutes and meditated in savassana  a yoga pose of surrender.

My first thought was to stop resisting, to make myself soft enough to receive.  Then I must have fallen asleep, because I came to consciousness when I heard a sound like metal being stuck.  It vibrated through my body.   It wasn’t my timer,  I still had five minutes to go.

But I felt my strength return.

Then I said to myself…. Own it Maria.  You created your blog, your art, your business.  You do it everyday,  this is what you’ve been wanting.  You earned it, don’t give it away, own it.  Be gracious, give thanks and do what you do.

With these words my anxiety is just a tiny flutter in my heart.  A lingering vibration winding down.

I’ll take a walk and embody these feelings. Then I’ll get back at it.  Sending thank you’s and writing about my latest quilt.  After that,  I’ll take the rest of the night off and celebrate my accomplishment with a glass of wine.

And maybe next time something good like this happens, I’ll remember my own words, even if I slip back to that old place.

But for now, instead of being afraid of my success, I’m going to enjoy it.



8 thoughts on “Enjoying My Success

  1. Congratulations Maria,
    You are not alone in your fear and anxiety. I believe in sharing you give many the chance to send love and help to sooth that terrible space for everyone.
    Enjoy you success and your evening,

    1. It is a space isn’t it Wendy. I was just telling Jon how I often have this narrow space of feeling that expands and contracts. I want that space to expand so wide there’s no room for self doubt. Questioning yes, but not self doubt….

  2. Maria! You so deserve it! Congratulations! I come to visit your blog and Jon’s often! You are both such an inspiration to me. One day, I want to be brave like you both and create a blog, but I am so afraid to do so – even though I know I would enjoy the work! Keep going! You’ve so got this!

    1. Oh Allison, do it! Start that blog and let it carry you along and inspire you and all who read it. It’s a joy really. Thanks so much for all your good words!

  3. Maria, Get out of that loft. Take off the dress of nails. It’s ok! You are a new woman. Loved and successful ! You just keep climbing higher and higher. Your sweetness and humility intact. We are all so proud of you! We all love you! Suck it up! Go for a cool swim at your river tomorrow and let it wash over you. xoxo,Cindy

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