Now I’m really able to get monthly donation on my blog.
My web designer had made the changes I wrote about yesterday. I so appreciate all of you letting me know my monthly donations were working.
Soon, to make it even easier, I’ll have two buttons on my “Support My Blog” page. One will be for monthly donations and another for one time donations.
Thanks to so many of you for sending annual and monthly donations since yesterday. I’m just realizing the impact of having those regular donations. How they will help free me up to do my work without having to worry as much about having money coming in.
That’s one of the downsides of self-employment as an artist, the pay is unpredictable. But the regular payments are an affirmation that each time I take a Monday Morning Video, or spend my time writing instead of sewing, I’ll still be getting paid for it.
When I opened my email this morning and saw all the donations, honestly, I got a little scared. A part of me immediately wanted to send thank-you’s and another part of me ( the part that won), wanted to run and hide.
Instead of my feeling of self-worth soaring, it plummeted.
I still struggled with the idea of being afraid of success. It rings true, but when I try to think about it, it makes no sense to me at all. I certainly feel it though and that makes even less sense to me.
All morning anxiety raced through my body. Then finally I stopped, set my timer for 15 minutes and meditated in savassana a yoga pose of surrender.
My first thought was to stop resisting, to make myself soft enough to receive. Then I must have fallen asleep, because I came to consciousness when I heard a sound like metal being stuck. It vibrated through my body. It wasn’t my timer, I still had five minutes to go.
But I felt my strength return.
Then I said to myself…. Own it Maria. You created your blog, your art, your business. You do it everyday, this is what you’ve been wanting. You earned it, don’t give it away, own it. Be gracious, give thanks and do what you do.
With these words my anxiety is just a tiny flutter in my heart. A lingering vibration winding down.
I’ll take a walk and embody these feelings. Then I’ll get back at it. Sending thank you’s and writing about my latest quilt. After that, I’ll take the rest of the night off and celebrate my accomplishment with a glass of wine.
And maybe next time something good like this happens, I’ll remember my own words, even if I slip back to that old place.
But for now, instead of being afraid of my success, I’m going to enjoy it.