Seeing Susan

I wasn’t planning on seeing Susan today.  Honestly, when I said goodbye to her on Sunday I thought it was for the last time.    But when the nurse from the hospital called and told Jon there was a marked change in her condition, I knew Jon would want to go to her.

And I felt like I wanted to see her too.

We were on our way out to dinner when the nurse called, so we stopped at Saratoga Apple Orchard and picked up a dozen cider donuts (Jon has been bringing them for the nurses) then had dinner in Saratoga before going to the hospital.

I never imaged that a hospital room could have a cozy feeling, but Susan’s room did.  Although her breathing was rough Susan felt peaceful to me. As if her sleep was just getting deeper and deeper. Jon and I sat on either side of the bed, Jon reading philosophical quotes that appeared on the TV screen behind me, also playing soft music.

Flowers, stuffed animals, pictures and cards were neatly placed around the room.  Strangely, it couldn’t have felt more like home.  Susan looked comfortable to me, well taken care of.  Her friend Donna had seen her in the morning.   Susan had made eye contact with her and gripped her hand.

She was past doing any of that tonight.

I didn’t try to stop myself from crying as sat with my hand over Susan’s.  I doubt she even felt it, but I hoped if she did, it was as comforting to her as it was to me.

We didn’t stay long and we didn’t do much. Susan probably didn’t even know we were there. But it felt good just to sit with her for a while.  To show up, to be there for her.