“I’ve been thinking of this cheese sandwich for a week, Jon said as he unwrapped it and took a bite. Then…” has it really only been two days?”
It feels like a long time since I dropped Jon off at the hospital yesterday, and I imagine it must feel even longer to him.
He’s home now and there’s the peace of knowing he’s in his study writing.
Since I got up and pushed Zinnia and Bud out of bed this morning, the weather has been as erratic as my hot flashes. One moment it’s overcast and windy, the next the clouds have disappeared and the sun feels as hot as my burning chest. It’s been thundering for hours and when it finally rains, I stand outside and let it cool my skin, washing my sweaty body.
My head is all over the place too. I work on my quilt for ten minutes then think of something else I need to do which leads to another thing and I don’t get back to my studio till an hour later.
These past two days have been more unsettling to me than I imagined they would be.
Work is a blessing, keeping me busy, through the waiting yesterday. But now I just feel like sitting on the porch with Jon.
There’s that wonderfully long view between the old apple and birch tree, the Green Mountains creating a gently meandering horizon. We could watch the bright billowing clouds turn thunder-blue and feel the shift of heat, like the fluctuating temperature of my body.
But I’m as restless as Jon.
“Writing is how I get back to myself”, he told me earlier when I tried to get him to rest.
Of course, he hurts. His body went through a lot yesterday. It needs to adjust to not only the changes of its new reality, all that new blood flowing to his heart, but also the trauma of the procedure itself. And there’s the psychological adjustment too.
I remember being surprised when I was depressed after having a tooth pulled. I would imagine the emotions surrounding what Jon is experiencing is much more complicated.
But like Jon’s Open Heart Surgery three or four years ago, this is ultimately going to make him healthier. And knowing that, even if it is on the horizon, makes all the difference.
Eventually, the uncertainty will be forgotten. And we’ll settle back into our lives for a while.
In September Jon will have another Heart Catheterization. It’s more complicated and risky than the one he just went through. One thing we know is that he’ll be staying overnight at Albany Med.
I’m going to try to remember not to expect too much of myself, to learn from this experience and allow myself to feel what I’m feeling and let it manifest in, whichever way it works best for me.
Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.
But whatever happens good, bad, or a little of both (as most things are) I’ve learned to tell myself the truth when I get anxious, which is that we’ll deal with whatever happens. And even with all the ups and downs, that’s one of the many things we’re good at doing together.