It came to me when I was mucking out the barn. For a year now I’ve been going back and forth between my doctor’s billing office and my health Insurance company trying to resolve a bill for Therapy I received last summer.
It was frustrating, getting different answers every time I called and promises that the charges were incorrect. But it went deeper than that. Every time I made a phone call to try and resolve it or got a bill in the mail, I’d fall into a depression.
It took a toll on me. Emotionally something else was going on with me that I wasn’t getting. It wasn’t until last week when I let Jon help that I began to understand that the year-long incident was a psychological trigger.
A trigger for just the thing I had gotten therapy for, to begin with.
For a year the pattern was that I’d call my doctors billing department with information from my Health Insurance Provider. I’d be told they would process the information I gave them, which meant the therapy would be completely covered by my Insurance. I wouldn’t hear anything more until a month or two later when I’d get another bill.
Each time this happened I’d feel worse and eventually after each phone call or bill received, I’d sink into a depression. I began to blame myself and not trust myself as if I had done something wrong.
When Jon got involved by calling the President of the hospital responsible for the billing, I was put in contact with a woman who saw there was a problem and addressed it quickly and directly. She responded to my email within minutes and I was assured, just by her response, that I wasn’t at fault.
Yesterday after a wonderful day of making art in my studio with my friend Emily, I got another phone call which completely deflated me. I sunk into a place where I couldn’t even remember how uplifting my day had been.
In my mind, I went over and over the conversations I’d been having with different people for the past year. I reeled with the injustice of it all, getting more upset the more I thought about it.
And although Jon had said it to do me before, it was as if I was hearing it for the first time. It wasn’t the outcome of the billing situation that was bothering me, it was that I wasn’t being heard by the people I was talking to. I could repeat the same thing for a whole year and it made no difference.
Once I got off the phone the same results would occur only to be repeated again and again.
This pattern mimicked the dynamic between my mother and me. It was the experience I had growing up in my family.
If I tried to talk about something that was important to me it might be tolerated, but was quickly forgotten and things would go back to the way they were as if I had never said anything at all.
It was this feeling of being ignored and even if I shouted or repeated myself, again and again, no one would hear me.
As a child, I felt ignored and dismissed by the people who were supposed to know me and take care of me. The people who were supposed to keep me safe. This is the trauma that still lives inside my body. This is exactly what I thought the hospital was doing to me.
And when it’s triggered it feels like the end of the world to me.
As I carried a shovel full of manure to the pile outside the barn, I knew what I needed to do to deal with the billing issue was the same thing my therapist Devon had taught me to do when dealing with the panic attacks that rose when confronted with the idea of visiting my mother.
I needed to see things truthfully. I needed to tell myself the facts.
Obsessing on the conversations I’d had over the past year and the injustice I was feeling was not the reason I was getting depressed. And doing it wouldn’t help me to feel better.
I needed to change my thinking.
I needed to be aware that I was being triggered by the phone calls and bills and tell myself that I wasn’t in danger. I could pay the bill if I had to and no one was intentionally ignoring me. I was caught up in the inadequacies of a bureaucracy. It wasn’t personal.
Once I could see clearly what was happening, I thought that if I believed in God I would think that this was all a plan. I asked for help in seeking out a therapist. Two months into my therapy she disappeared with any acknowledgment on the day of one of my appointments. But in a way, the therapy continued outside of our sessions.
It’s as if the Universe handed me this situation so I could learn further about this particular trauma in my life and how to heal it.
I have a feeling the billing issue will be resolved soon. But I’m not invested in the outcome the way I had been.
It helps that I’m talking to people who can make a difference and are paying attention to what I have to say, that they want to know the details. They want to change the things I experienced that were wrong.
But ultimately, it’s about my trauma, not the billing. And the trauma does still live inside of me. So I will continue to do the work of changing my thinking. Of keeping my mind focused on what the real issue is for me. And work on healing it.
And maybe the next time I get triggered, I’ll be aware of what is happening and hopefully be able to get to a better place more quickly.
16 thoughts on “More Therapy Than I Imagined”
Well, this post triggered me! I’m in the middle of a medical billing dispute myself. And I’m a lawyer! And nobody’s listening to me either! But I’m going to take your advice (and a deep breath) and try to get myself to a better place. I’m tired of letting these things ruin what should otherwise be just another day in paradise.
Good luck Jil!
Your story triggered a memory of something similar I experienced with an incorrect billing as well. Your story and insight made me realize why I was so frustrated with the situation so thank you!
KJ, I’m so glad it was helpful. Thanks for letting me know. I wish you all the best.
Oh, Maria, this is so courageous of you to share. It’s a place I’ve come to also with my own trauma seeing what I needed to learn and how in many ways it shaped me. Not everyone can get to this place, so as someone who understands this, I’m just so happy for you. By sharing it will likely help plant the seed for others also. Patterns from trauma are real and if we can recognize them and course correct we can indeed live happier lives…this has least been my experience. Thank you again for your honesty in sharing.
I do hope it is helpful Barb. Thanks for your message.
Oh, how this resonates with me. It was as if I was speaking another language. I talked my saga out and I understand why I feel as I do, but it still comes out and bites sometimes! As for medical matters….I have had some serious encounters with that profession. It’s big business and they really piss me off! Most of the (very few) occasions when I have lost my temper it was in one of those situations! Fuck them. They don’t need the money and it’s for them to sort out. 🙂
I love the chicken pics!
I can see how much company I have in this Carolyn. 🙂
Anyone with numerous medical services must have experienced the billing frustrations you felt. When I first joined Medicare, I got involved in a billing dispute. (Try that when one of your parties is a government agency.)
First, it’s just trying to reach the right person. Then, it’s making yourself understood. And finally, wondering whether the whole experience accomplished anything.
I’m thorough and conscientious; unresolved issues hang over me like lead weights. But I finally decided that those people operate within their own timelines and orders of priority. I’m less patient than they are, but little I that I do will change them.
Some representatives are lazy and aren’t invested in customer problem-solving. They just want to put in their hours and go home. But successful managers are rarely this way. Your voice or Jon’s just needs to be loud enough to reach them.
One tip, although it might seem like a waste: From the start, keep a log of ALL of your contacts concerning the issue, including when, who, and what was discussed/agreed. If you later need to escalate, or if you get caught in the middle again, you can explain, “I spoke with of on , and they agreed to do by .” Then, the monkey is on their back.
You’ve been there Donald. I hope it gets easier for you and the rest of us in the future.
I’ve been in a situation similar to yours…I couldn’t even get the hospital to send me an itemized billing…so I know somewhat how frustrated and angry you probably feel. I know I did.
On to a happier subject — I LOVE this photograph Maria! 🙂
A very wise woman told me once, ‘tell yourself the truth’.. . .something I’m still working on. Forces me to stop, really look and go deep.
Your wisdom, intelligence and honesty are wonderful.
Thank you Veronica, I needed to be reminded of that this morning.
one of your most insightful posts and am looking into my life where I am repeatedly stuck and not feeling good. Will be thinking about this for some time.
I do always hope when I write something like this is can be helpful Sharon.