I was being so practical going with Jon to his doctor’s appointments and planning for his surgery, I forgot to feel.
Or, I subconsciously chose not to.
Since Jon is seventeen years older than I am and has heart disease and diabetes we talk openly about death. His and mine, but mostly his since it’s likely to happen first.
We are very practical about it. We discuss caregiving and end-of-life options. And then, when something happens like the surgery Jon is going to have next week to amputate his toe, it all becomes a little more real.
The problem with shutting down to not feel sadness or pain is that it also shuts down all the other emotions too. The ones that feel good.
This morning I allowed myself to feel the anger I had been repressing. I was angry about all that was happening. I didn’t think I had a right to feel angry. Jon would be the first one to tell anyone that what he has been going through with his health is just a part of life.
So who was I to feel angry about? And yet I did.
But when I finally could see it, admit it, and talk about it openly with Jon, the anger went away. And as I thought about it, I allowed myself to soften. And I began to feel, not just one emotion, but the complexity of emotions that makes me who I am.
I love this Maria.
Thank you Terri.
How well I know that sense of shutting down a feeling, and all the rest go with it. I think of it as I want to stop the dripping water, but end up turning the main water shut off valve instead of just the faucet.
That’s the perfect analogy LoisJean. I’ll keep an image of that in my mind.
Maria,
This post was so vulnerable and open-hearted. And it is exactly what I needed to remind myself, as my sister and I have become primary care for each other. Though we are both relatively healthy 71/73, embracing all of ourselves and cultivating presence and open hearted tenderness and love are key for me. Especially when old patterns, triggers, behaviors grab hold of me and produce righteous anger, judgement, and fear. Your sharing let them enter that space AND the place where I have planted seeds of intention in my practice.
in peace and deep gratefulness
I imagine this holding back is such a human thing to do. It does take work to be aware of it which is even more harder during difficult times. It sounds as if you are on a spiritual journey everyday, as I guess we all have the opportunity to be if we are aware of it.