“Kingfisher, a bird known to be territorial, will defend itself against about any species it feels threatened by. Take this helpful clue to create personal boundaries in order to observe what needs your loving attention and then achieve your heart’s desire. ” Barb Techel “Animal Reflections Healing Oracle”
My feet are flat on the ground, my tailbone pointed straight down, grounded. I am grounded, squatting on the edge of the small pond in the back pasture.
I watch a frog hop into the water then disappear under it. Two dragonflies, the red/orange of turning maple leaves, are flying, hooked together by their stick tails. A spider walks on water.
The Kingfisher comes. She circles the pond too many times to count, then dives dramatically right in front of me, swooping up before hitting the water. Her call is loud repeated staccato clicks strung together.
It’s been three days since my mother died. I talked to her on the phone two weeks ago, but I haven’t seen her in almost a year.
Today there was a memorial service for her but I didn’t go.
I experience severe anxiety, panic, and dissociation when I am around the family I grew up in. Phone calls can have the same effect on me. This is because of the trauma I experienced in that family as a child.
I’ve been working on trying to understand my anxiety and panic for years. It was only recently through therapy, I was able to see that the family is a trigger that brings me back to being a frightened child.
My greatest fear is being pulled back into the family. Becaues when I am there, I lose my sense of self and become the person they want me to be, not who I really am. In that place, I lose my ability to make decisions, think independently, and fully feel emotions.
Last year, after visiting my mother, for days afterward I felt as if I was outside of my body, as if I was sitting next to myself watching me. I could not do my work, or make the simplest decisions. I could not feel emotions. I decided I needed to protect myself from that ever happening again.
This morning I cried at the thought of not being at my mother’s funeral. Not because I wanted to be there, but because I didn’t want to be there.
But even more, I have a feeling of freedom and strength that is new to me. I am sad, I am grieving, but I’m not questioning my decision and I don’t have regrets about my choices.
This afternoon I will have my own ceremony for my mother.
I will light a bonfire and as it burns, I will let myself feel what I feel. I will thank my mother and wish her well. I will practice letting go.
And I will continue living the life I have created, the life I chose. With Jon, who is my family now, along with my friends.