My Car

Jon and I stood outside the car looking in.  The door and windows were open.  Devin, who sold me the Ford Focus had gone back into the dealer showroom to get something.

While we waited, the wind rattled the dry leaves on the tree next to the car.   I watched as small yellowing leaves drifted through the windows and door sprinkling the clean black interior with bits of yellow.

I smiled, glad to have the leaves in the car.  It felt like a blessing.  The final step in making the car mine.

Our picking up the car got delayed by a few days and this morning Jon asked if I was excited to get it.  I think it was more relief.

When Jon and I discussed having only one car I liked the idea.  And we could have done it.  But I’m glad we didn’t.  Not right now anyway.

The car as a means of being independent rings true to me.  And I’ve heard from so many women (all women) who feel the same.  But also the idea of having only one car made me feel older than I am.

I’m sixty and Jon is 77 years old.   But I don’t think of him as being older than me.

It’s true that he has more health issues and physical limitation than I do, but it’s his mind and heart that speaks to who he is.  They are both so youthful, vibrant and alive.  Jon’s curiosity, creativity and determination keep growing the older he gets.

And even though he said he could do with one car.  That he doesn’t go many places without me, and doesn’t like to drive at night anymore, I’m not there yet.   And honestly, I he isn’t either.

The idea of having only one car made me feel older than I am.  As if I was taking step towards another phase in life that I’m not ready for.

I’m not saying this is right or even accurate, but it’s how I feel.  And since we are fortunate enough to have a choice to get another car, for now that is our choice.

This afternoon I drove my new car to the postoffice to send off my Potholders.  Then I got some cash from the bank and bought a bottle of wine.

I’m still figuring all the features out.  But I did sync my phone with the car and when I hit the media button Voices of The Humpback Whales came though the speaker.  I drove with my windows down, the strange sounds of whales filling the space and drifting out on the wind.

I’m feeling relief and a sense of balance, of things set right again.   I don’t really believe that these things can come from owning a car.  But I guess in this case what I believe and what I’m feeling just aren’t the same thing.

Maybe someday I’ll live that belief, but right now I like having a car that I can call mine.