I keep dreaming of the donkeys.
Last night, in my dream, I had tied Fanny up on the sidewalk outside the house I grew up in. It was a dead end street so it had little traffic. But in my dream there were suddenly lots of cars driving on the street and I got worried about Fanny.
When I went out to check on her I saw that the rope had come untied. But she didn’t run away and wasn’t confused or frightened by the traffic. Instead when she saw me she walked through the open gate towards me.
All my dreams about the donkeys are the same. I think they are in danger or that they will run away but they never do. They come back to me and the farm.
I’m alway relieved and touched to see how the donkeys want to be here on the farm and with me. How they don’t want to be anywhere else.
It makes me feel chosen by them. It feels like acceptance and trust.
I think as I continue to live the life I choose, away from the family I grew up in and become more aware of the circumstance that made me leave them behind, I’m seeing myself and my life more clearly.
This break from my family is not a temporary thing, it’s not a fight or argument that will be resolved. I am finally finding my own way without the attachments from my past. And that leaves me free to discover my strength and rid myself of the fears that have held me back.
A month ago I was triggered at a doctors appointment. It made me realize that I was traumatized as a child but didn’t remember what happened to me.
Being triggered also opened me up.
I keep seeing it as a dark box, that was buried deep inside of me. And the awareness that came with the box being opened and contents released, thought difficult to accept, has given me a new found strength.
I think that strength comes with the acceptance of the truth, no matter how awful it may feel. For me the freeing part is now knowing that I hadn’t done anything wrong, that what happened wasn’t my fault and that I am not a bad person for the choices I’ve made in my life.
I think the donkeys have become a symbol for me of wise and independent animals. Donkeys are known to make decisions for themselves. They don’t do what they don’t want to. They know how to take care of and protect themselves.
So in my dreams when they choose to be with me, it’s as if they’re saying that I am one of them. That I have their resilience, fortitude and independence. And that these traits that we share bring us closer together and make our relationship deeper.
It’s as if the donkeys, as if Fanny and Lulu, have become a symbol of those things inside of me that I have always wanted for myself and I’m only now seeing and understanding have been there all along.
Beautiful
Dear Maria, I am so encouraged, by these words, your story, and you.
Our lives have many similarities, early life of drama, trauma, and lack of safety. As adults we began to face old wounds that kept us tethered, unable to trust the freedom beyond that rope and tight circle. But! We did dare to begin the journey to move courageously into the unknown. We’re unearthing and freeing up open spaces for light and fresh rains, replanting only what nourishes us! Perhaps we return that old rotting garbage from the past into our mulch pile, let it become fertilizer for our new gardens, our evolving lives?
I know that every animal, pet, wildlife, and lucky animal encounter I’ve been given are why I ever survived until now. Each arriving just when I most needed the difficult insights and lessons they provided!
But I had to learn to face what I needed to change with non-judgemental patience, kindness and forgiveness that I never received growing up. I needed to learn to be as present and ready for joy as the dogs! As calm and observant as the owls. As brayingly loud and happy as a donkey ready to receive an apple from a friend’s or stranger’s hand. To feel as entitled to chirp like the songs birds for their human to refill their empty feeders! And perhaps one day to relax like a cat curled up in a path of warm sunlight. (That I haven’t achieved, yet.)
But in the night, I still dream that animals have been forgotten, trapped inside some awful place, hungry and need rescuing. There’s deep panic as I try to help them but get thwarted at every turn by walls or locked doors, or what was the way out keeps changing.
I choose to believe these upsetting dreams mean that like everyone, we will be always be on this journey of renewal and recreation and that’s okay and good and deeply meaningful.
It seems that some of us who have suffered know a bit more about how to keep moving through pain, fear, and loss. No question we are The Resilient! We are the Creators! We know how to take scraps and pieces and make something new, useful, and beautiful. My tubes of watercolors are not the painting. The brushes are innert until I hold them and dare to lay down the colors on a new white sheet of paper. Your pieces of cloth wait for your hand to make them art.
And today, you blessed and encouraged me, again. Thank you Maria! And you gave me the inspiration for what I wrote here, (though I know my words are more about what I needed to read and remember.)
Time to stop writing and go feed my animals. Gosh, I’m getting a bit hungry too.
Your sister in SC,
Suzi
☘️ ️
Thank you Suzi, I wish you all the best in all your good work. Our past certainly shapes us and we get o try and make it work for us. Repairing like the spikder. :)
The reciprocal connection you have with Lulu and Fanny is so beautiful and profound. It doesn’t surprise me that they are showing up in your dream world, where they have even more to communicate on the unconscious level. What wonderful companions and messengers.
:)