Anger can be just, but it can also be destructive.  I want my anger to work for me. And I won’t allow the people who trigger my anger or make me angry have power over my life.

………………

I feel the anger inside of me.  It’s not sharp and crisp, doesn’t crackle like something new.

It lives deep inside of me, roiling and hot.  It radiates from my root through my pelvis and genitals. It vibrates down my legs.   It sits in my stomach, reaches my core and lands in my heart.  From there it branches out my arms and neck tightening every muscle.  My eyes get hard and I can no longer see what is in front of me.

The anger I have been feeling because of the results of the election is old and deep.

I grew up in a house with an angry father and spent most of my life being afraid of anger, trying to avoid it.   I was even afraid of my own anger.  It took me years to understand that when I suppress my anger it doesn’t go away, it just  manifests in other ways.

For me it came in the form of depression and anxiety.  But the anger would also be misdirected.  I’d get angry at the wrong people for the wrong reasons.

When I learned to put my anger where it belonged, I found that there were times when my anger could protect me.  Like fear, it was a warning that there was danger.  It helped me avoid people and situations that were unhealthy for me.

I feel like I experience two different kinds of anger.  The old anger that gets triggered when someone like Donald Trump is elected president and what Marge Piercy calls a Just anger.

The old deep anger isn’t helpful. It’s mixed with fear,  anxiety and panic.  I react to it as if  danger is imminent.  As if my survival depends on it.  It clouds my reason.

A Just anger is a rational warning that motivates me to take some kind of action.  To do something positive.

I can only tell them apart, because they feel different in my body.

I don’t want to spend the next four years being angry.  And when I do get angry,  I don’t want to put that anger in the wrong place.

I don’t want to be the person who calls the clerk at the grocery store a Nazi just because of who they voted.  I want to be kind to my neighbors even if they have different beliefs than I do.  I want to do business with local companies who may not agree with my message but still create posters,  postcards and magnets that help me express myself creatively.

Because I believe that’s part of being a healthy democracy.

I’m going to take my anger and put it to good use.

I don’t know all the ways I’ll do that yet, but my work is obviously one of them.  I don’t seem to have much control over that anymore.  My creativity is another thing I suppressed for too long.  My psyche and body send me their own warnings if I neglect my art.

Another thing I know for sure is that, as much as I’ve sometimes felt like it in the past ten days,  I’m not giving up.

Even if there are setbacks politically, I’m going to hold the truth inside of me that I’m not going back.  And even if nothing else I do makes a difference, there is still hope that in two years and then again in four we have the chance to change things again.

As a reminder to hold the idea of Not Going Back in our heads and hearts  I’m selling my Not Going Back Magnets for $1 each. That just about covers the shipping and Etsy fees. You can buy them here for yourself or a friend.

And if you can’t afford a Not Going Back Magnet but would like to have one or know someone who would,  just email me at [email protected] and I’ll be happy to send you one.