On Sunday Jon and I saw the movie Spotlight. It’s the story of how a special team of journalists, called Spotlight, from the Boston Globe broke the story about the sexual abuse by Priests in the Catholic Church.
It was just the kind of movie I love. A great story, without any explosions or car chases. No one was Hollywood gorgeous, the whole thing was very real.
At one point Mark Ruffalo, who plays the Journalist Michael Rezendes, is talking on the phone to someone he’s been trying to get information from for a while. He’s taking notes and his pen runs out of ink. Still listening he starts looks around for a pen and when he can’t find one he starts rummaging through his bag. He can’t tell the person he’s talking to to hold on while he finds a pen, or to repeat what he said. He’s lucky the guy on the other end is talking to him at all. He hangs up before he finds a pen and you know he’s going to have to rely on his memory.
Watching that scene, I finally understood why we have so many pens in the house. Why when ever we go to the Drive-thru at Glens Falls Bank Jon keeps the pen. It’s because for a good part of his life, Jon was a Reporter. He knows what it’s like to need a pen and not have one.
This scene from the movie kept coming back to me. There was something so human about it so real. But it also opened a window back in time, into Jon’s life.
I met Jon when he was in his early 60’s and I sometimes wonder what he was like all those years before I knew him. Through the few picture there are of him and the stories I’ve heard, I try to imagine if we would have loved each other or even liked each other at different points in our lives. Could we have had a life together if we met earlier and what would it have been like.
I know that Jon’s whole life is what makes him who he is now. And that it’s all there in him. And sometimes I think I’m lucky because I’m getting the best part of him. A lifetime that got him to be who he is now.
But a part of me feels like I’m missing something. The times that we didn’t get to share. The mistakes we didn’t get to make together and the good and bad times we didn’t have. I’m grateful for what we do have, but sometimes I selfishly just want more of him. I want to know what it would be like to be younger together. I understand that it might not have been good, not might have worked. That we were both different people back then. And because Jon’s 17 years older than me there are time we never could have known each other, like when he was a teenager and I wasn’t born. But I can’t help but wonder what it could have been.
I feel like that scene in the movie allowed me to live a moment in Jon’s life with him. Maybe not very important or meaningful moment. But an ordinary moment. The kind there aren’t any pictures of or stories about. A moment that until now, lived only in the collection of pens scattered throughout our house.