3pm came and something fell inside of me.
Like a shade pulled over my eyes, I went flat. Gone was the good feeling that came minutes before when I finished designing my latest quilt. Gone was the joy I felt this morning when I went outside and it actually felt warm.
It can happen that suddenly, a drop in my spirits.
I didn’t feel like going for a walk, but I knew it might help. So I strapped on my snow shoes and called Fate to come with me.
Trying not to follow yesterdays footprints, I wandered aimlessly. A small tree, bent with snow, made an archway in the woods, reminding me of a sculpture I made years ago.
I simply took an old door and hung it in the woods from a tree branch. It had a magical feeling when coming upon it unexpectedly. And a part of me actually believed that there might be a whole different world on the other side of it.
After seeing the sculpture, a friend told me about The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I had never even heard of the Narnia books before that. But I quickly read them all.
Because that’s what my door in the woods was about, an escape to another reality, to another life.
I had lots fantasy’s about leaving my life back then. In some I was bitten by a vampire to become the undead, or I switched places with random people and took over their lives, in others I simple walked though a doorway into a whole new existence.
In none of my fantasies did I have any control over how my life would change, or take any responsibility for what I wanted it to be.
Back then, I didn’t know I had the strength or will to actually change my life.
When I got depressed, which was much more often than I do now and lasted longer, I depended on those fantasies. They were my escape and when I went into those worlds, they were as real to me as the ground I was standing on.
Any archway, drawn curtain or unlocked door could lead me away from my life, without having to do anything more than imagine what was behind or through it.
This afternoon I saw the arch of the snow bent tree and walked around it.
Because now, even when my spirits unexpectedly plummet, I’m no longer looking to escape. I’m simply looking to feel better.
I like the life I have now. I don’t want to walk though a doorway and be someone else or even someplace else. I’ve chosen this life, I worked hard to get it and am gladly responsible for it.
The walk the woods did help.
Not immediately, but as the day turned to night, I started to feel better. Writing this helps, posting the pictures of the Polaroids I took today helps. I’m still looking forward to getting into bed more than usual. To slipping into sleep and allowing my dreams to work their magic.
And in the morning I want to wake up in my own bed, next to Jon, in this life that I’ve chosen and created for myself, no matter how I’m feeling.
This brought me to tears of understanding. So very beautiful. Thank you for this.
Wow!
I love that reaction Tony. Thanks!
Oh, Maria! This is so poignant! When I was young, I wanted desperately to become someone else, slip into their body, live their life. Like you, I now live the life I CHOSE, with the help of God, I CREATED FOR MYSELF! I read the Narnia books by C.S. Lewis AFTER I had started my journey into the life of my choice, also. I realized that I did not have to live a frozen life in the Land of Winter. The Lion could help me live a life in the Land of Spring. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for all your deep insights. Annie
Thanks for your insights Annie.
I couldn’t help but think that perhaps your visualization of walking through a door to another life helped set the universe in motion to bring you to the place you are today. I am going to practice this visualization in hopes of something similar for myself. Thanks for sharing this.
I often tell Jon that I conjured him up Diana. I’m not sure that it isn’t entirely true.
Great post, I Understand that feeling of joy plummeting especially after you have spent days creating. I think its our brain trying to adjust to less creative sparks when we have those moments to breath before the next flow of creative energy. For me that is how I explain those bouts of depression I suffer from now, they aren’t as intense as when I was younger, nor last as long as they did say in my 20’s and 30’s. When I turned 52 or so all those old things I worried and stressed over suddenly didn’t matter, I still get the blues and some days down right depressed but it passes quickly most often by a walk.
It sounds very similar to what I experience Deb.
Hey Maria, This post really resonated with me. I too have struggled with depression pretty much my whole life.. I have a great life. Loving husband, dogs and a cozy house close together the beach. I’m an artist and screenwriter. I have created a wonderful life for myself. I’m very content and happy. But every once in a while in between all the happiness comes an unplanned great sadness. Where did that come from? Yes there are all kind of scientific explanations. Here’s mine. I’m an intuitive. I believe you are too. I think that at those moments I’m an antenna to someone I love or just close proximity. I’m picking up someone else’s sadnesses. So it’s not mine. Cause there really is nothing g to be sad about. So I send healing light to that person and then I get up and do my shaking off dance. I know you love dance g. Knowing it’s not mine is so helpful. Maybe it will work for you. Good luck. Namaste Monika
That’s a very interesting idea Monika, one I’ve never heard before. I love the shaking off dance. That makes so much sense to me, as does sending healing light. Thank you.
Thank you. You just explained how I’ve felt, past and present, the words of which I could never put together.
Such a life as this, in this present moment, grateful for the journey.
I appreciate you’re letting me know Tina. I’m always looking to make such connections.