All day I couldn’t work, my mind and body nagging at me to stop and take some time. But I kept pushing, kept trying.
If I stopped, I would start to think, start to feel. I have learned to fill my time to avoid just this. But I have also learned that when I finally do stop and allow myself to feel to the fullest, whatever it is that is inside of me trying to make itself known, I eventually feel better afterwards.
At the end of the day I finally gave in.
I sat on the rocking chair under the apple tree and instead of pushing my feelings away, I felt them. Then the sadness rushed in. It came to me, that an idea that I had held about my relationship with my mother and sister was no longer true if it ever had been. I understood that the prospect of ever having that was something I needed to let go of.
As long as I held onto it, the possibility of it was always there. But lie that it was real was doing more damage than the hope.
So I cried mourning the loss. I let the sadness wash through my body. I let myself feel to the fullest.
And after a while, my mind which had been foggy all day, for the first time sparked.
In it, I saw an image of me standing very straight and tall, full of attitude. A sensation of confidence and self-worth surged through me.
And I thought that every time this happens. Every time I come to awareness and allow myself to feel and express my emotions relating to that awareness, afterwards I feel better about myself. And I got the image of all those difficult emotions layered with the self-assured moments that follow piling up like a very tall layer cake.
Each one building on the other. Understanding that each time this happens I get stronger, more aware, closer to the real me.
This kind of change that I’m working on, changing my thinking, doesn’t happen in an instant. It is a process, like the highs and lows of a horizontal spiral. The timing varies, but the motion is the same, round and round, up, down, up, down, up….
Constantly moving forward.