Feeling To The Fullest

All day I couldn’t work, my mind and body nagging at me to stop and take some time.  But I kept pushing, kept trying.

If I stopped, I would start to think, start to feel.  I have learned to fill my time to avoid just this.  But I have also learned that when I finally do stop and allow myself to feel to the fullest, whatever it is that is inside of me trying to make itself known, I eventually feel better afterwards.

At the end of the day I finally gave in.

I sat on the rocking chair under the apple tree and instead of pushing my feelings away, I felt them.  Then the sadness rushed in.  It came to me, that an idea that I had held about my relationship with my mother and sister was no longer true if it ever had been.  I understood that the prospect of ever having that was something I needed to let go of.

As long as I held onto it, the possibility of it was always there.  But lie that it was real was doing more damage than the hope.

So I cried mourning the loss.  I let the sadness wash through my body.  I let myself feel to the fullest.

And after a while, my mind which had been foggy all day, for the first time sparked.

In it, I saw an image of me standing very straight and tall, full of attitude. A sensation of confidence and self-worth surged through me.

And I thought that every time this happens.  Every time I come to awareness and allow myself to feel and express my emotions relating to that awareness, afterwards I feel better about myself.  And I got the image of all those difficult emotions layered with the self-assured moments that follow piling up like a very tall layer cake.

Each one building on the other.  Understanding that each time this happens I get stronger, more aware, closer to the real me.

This kind of change that I’m working on, changing my thinking, doesn’t happen in an instant.  It is a process, like the highs and lows of a horizontal spiral. The timing varies, but the motion is the same,  round and round, up, down, up, down, up….

Constantly moving forward.



2 thoughts on “Feeling To The Fullest

  1. how beautiful……
    I am someone that when I am stressed I just keep busy, so afraid if I stand still my feelings or thoughts can overwhelm me like a tsunami (one of the reasons this pandemic is so exhausting to me). I am jealous that you can let in sadness that way. I tend to shut down to numb & have such a difficult time ever crying. One of the things I have learned in my process is to purposely schedule downtime, actually put in my calendar as I am a compulsive list maker. I crave downtime & when I get it I feel so uncomfortable – as feelings & thoughts that have been circling around my head seem to swoop in like a bird of prey.
    thank you for your honesty & bravery. I have been binging on Brene Brown YouTube videos. Her work on shame, vulerability, bravery & courage have rocked my world. Even realizing I don’t even know the definitions of the words let alone the ability to dive into their meaning for me.
    Bravo Maria

    1. Good For you too Kim. It sounds like you’re doing really good work. Brene Brown always says something that sticks with me. I think scheduling downtime is such a good idea. Best to you!

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