When I woke up early this morning, I was alone in bed. I went downstairs and saw Jon sitting on the living room floor wrapped in a quilt with Izzy’s head on his lap. Over the past year, Izzy had become my dog as much as Jon’s. But on the last day of his life, Izzy wanted Jon. You could see the love and trust pass between them. I imagine Izzy was looking at Jon in the same way he did years ago, when he decided to be Jon’s dog.
Izzy was my dream dog. The kind of dog I’d always wanted but somehow never had, maybe I didn’t think I deserved to have such a great dog. I started taking him into my studio about a year ago when Frieda became Jon’s writing dog. He was perfect for me. He would find a corner in the studio and sleep while I worked. Once or twice a day I would look down and see him staring at me. We would snuggle for a while ( I always felt like he knew I needed a break) then he’d go back to his corner.
I never had to worry about him, he didn’t barked at the mailcarrier and if the UPS man came to the door, Izzy was happy to see him. When we went for a walk or did yard chores, I never had to worry about him running off. He was always there, paying attention but not needing constant attention.
Izzy had become my dog. That’s how I knew there was something wrong with him when, on Monday, he slept too long under my desk and had a hard time walking on the path and I felt the strange lumps under his chin. When we found out he had cancer I had no doubts that he should suffer as little as possible and it was best to let him go. And I knew he shouldn’t be cremated, but buried in the shade garden in the front yard where he loved to sit. When I planted the flowers on his grave, I felt so good about being able to do these things for him. I’ve always seen Izzy as a spirit dog and believed he’d have a smooth transition from this life to whatever comes next. I cried for the three days before he died knowing that death is the most natural thing in the world and thinking I would find some relief when he was no longer in pain and knowing that we had done everything we could for him.
But now, after all that, I still can’t stop crying. Because Izzy opened something up in me when I finally allowed my self to have and love the dog I always wanted. And now he’s gone and I’m wide open, feeling emotions I’ve never felt before and don’t have words for.
My heart truly aches for you and Jon, Maria. Such a compassionate and beautiful soul you are to grief like you are– I know it’s hard– I understand.
Izzy inspired me and Frankie (the walk n roll dog) to become a therapy dog team at our local hospice, so I’ll always be incredibly grateful to Izzy. I sent Jon a note yesterday to please thank Izzy for me.
Know those of you who care for you and Jon are shedding tears for your loss and know that you are not alone.
Izzy truly is a spirit dog and will live on in many, many hearts always.
Dear Maria and Jon, I’ve been in my garden for most of the day feeling Izzy’s passing and seeing his spirit everywhere. How lucky that his suffering was brief and you were with him when you let him go. I will keep you all in my heart and hope that the pain will be only a small part of you. When I ordered Izzy and Lenore from Battenkill books today they were kind and understanding through my tears and I was grateful. Sleep well. Sue
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your a wonderful person for loving a dog this much.
So sorry to hear about Izzy….I loved reading about him. You both are in my prayers
Maria, I’ve been thinking of both you and Jon all day. I’ve had teary eyes all day. There’s a special place for Izzy in all our hearts.
Maria, I’m so sorry.
He was a very special boy, Maria… he deeply touched those of us who only read about him and never even got to know him in person. Take comfort in knowing you and Jon gave him the best possible life and he thanked you for that every day. — Anne
Maria…oh, Maria…..my heart breaks for you. It seems that a very important, and the final part of Izzy’s purpose in this life was to be the dog you’ve always wanted. And to know what it meant to be *your* dog, the lady with the incredible spirit of her own who is Angel to all animals. Wow….what an incredible blessing for him to have had you as his person. I cannot begin to fathom why now, why his time in his physical body had to end now. I am certain, very, very certain, that you will know in very tangible ways that your beloved Izzy is near.
Bless you, Maria. And bless Jon. And bless the Spirit Dog as he returns home.
Maria=
My heart goes out to you. I’ve been following Jon’s blog since he started writing it after finding the farmer’s journal. His connection with Izzy has always been apparent and his way with words made Izzy a part of all our lives. I knew you would make the best decision for Izzy no matter how hard it would be for you. I’ve been crying as well but soon we will remember how lucky we were to have this special dog in our lives and realize that it was worth the pain we are feeling well. If there is a heaven it’s not a place I want to be without animals. They play such an important part in our lives.
All my best,
Jill
Marie, I am just so sorry about the loss of your sweet dear Izzy. Having gone through this myself two years ago with the death of my sweet little pug Max, I know what you and Jon are going through. Just know, that it does get better over time. I still get all choked up whenever I look out on his grave but in a way it is comforting to know that he is there.
Izzy had a wonderful life with you and Jon. The love you have shown for Izzy is very touching and I know you will feel his presence with you as you work in your studio as his spirit will live on.
I am just so sorry…
Maria
You words are my words also this week. we put our Chocolate lab Lakota down on Monday this week. He was my husbands dog, but he was my dog.
It took me a long time for the tears to stop, they still come from time to time. Today I felt close to you and Jon, tho we have never met, I read his stories every day about the dogs and his feelings and thoughts, I feel as though we all are friends, and today I cried for you and the loss of an amazing dog.
I am sorry for your loss and am sending you a very heart felt hug.
Judy baer
Maria–I am so sorry for you and Jon. For you to have to go through this again so soon, seems unfair. Knowing that the two of you made the right decision won’t make your pain any less right now. Cry it out–each tear a good memory of your life with Izzy (and Rose).
Oh, Maria, very special thoughts and prayers as you grieve.
Maria, I also wanted to say that the photo that Jon published today of you and Izzy under his “Thursday Morning” post captured a moment of the purest, most perfect communion between the two of you. The look in Izzy’s eyes says it all. I know that you will cherish the image of that moment forever. The love vibrating from that image is so beautiful that words cannot describe.
I am so sorry, Maria.
So sorry to hear that Izzy is gone. I met him at the Monson Ma Library talk that Jon gave there a few years ago. Although I had read Jon’s books, once I patted Izzy and looked him in the eyes, I knew he was truly special. He will be remembered every time I read “The Dogs of Bedlam Farm” to my grandsons.
Beautiful revealing. My condolences for the loss of your beloved pet.
Hi Maria,
I wept, from deep inside, when I read this post. Knowing that there are no words to describe the ragged emotions of grief. I have been there 3x and to me, grief over the loss of a dog companion, is simply indescribable. I couldn’t tell anyone what emotions I was feeling and maybe I didn’t know myself? I think I, like you, just couldn’t find the words. I just cried. For days. I was especially hit hard at the loss of my very first yellow lab who was with me for 15 years. She was my first dog loss.
I found though, that through it all, it was a time of discovery for me. Accepting the moment and gaining inner strength to move thru towards a ‘new’ life w/o her. And I knew that I would heal stronger than I was, but would never be the same. Something inside my heart was different and would remain so and that was ok. I wish both you and Jon moments of peace during this time. Many, many hugs. xox Karyn
Maria – My heart breaks for you…we have lost 2 of our beloved Greyhounds in the past 8 months…I know your pain. I would like to share this poem with you:
“Every time I lose a dog,
they take a piece of my heart with them.
And every new dog who comes into my life
gifts me with a piece of their heart.
If I live long enough,
all the components fo my heart will be dog,
and I will become as generous and loving as they are”
I hope that in time, you will allow another dog into your heart…
I’m sure Izzy would want that for you. I am so sorry for your loss.
Peace…
Please know so many of us feel your sadness as well. I think all of my dogs, present & passed are/were very special in their own way. But there have only been a few that truly became a part of my heart & soul and made me a better person for having them in my life. Izzy worked his magic in so many ways , what a gift.
Bless you Maria. You are not crying alone.
I know there are no words that will make your pain go away, but hope there is some comfort in knowing that many others are grieving along with you. It has been a joy for me to know and learn about Izzy through Jon’s books, writings, and photos. Thank you, both, for sharing him with all of us.
Maria, My heart is breaking for you and Jon as well as those who have loved Izzy from afar. He was an extraordinary dog, and the lives he touched have been enriched. How perfect that you planted flowers on his grave. sending you hugs,
Donna
Dearest Maria,
I cry with you tonight and also feel happy for you to have shared love with Izzie. I wish I had wise words but all I can say is that I care. Warmest love, Christine
So sorry for your loss of this beloved creature.
Just sending lots of hugs to you, Maria.
Yes, he started out Jon’s dog…but he became both of yours. So hard to let someone go, even when it is time.
It is wonderful that you both have someone to lean on during times like these. (Simon and Rocky and all the rest included, of course.)
“spirit dog”, “dream dog”, certainly an exceptional canine companion, worthy of never-ending good memories. RIP, Izzy, good dog.
Maria, my heart is breaking for you and Jon even though I know that death is a part of life, and that is important that Izzy didn’t suffer anymore. In the picture Jon posted of you and Izzy I sensed a very strong connection between Izzy and you too. It made me cry. I send you and Jon much love and am thinking about you and the other dogs so much. xx
As I commented on Jon’s blog, I hope some of our tears will help to wash away some of your pain… Robin
Maria: People and dogs do seem to come into our lives when we need them most. Izzy was a great spirit and I know of two lives that he healed, just when they needed him most.
Peg
I’m so sorry Maria. I’m crying too. I’m not sure what exactly it is that is different from Izzy and Rose (they both tugged at my heart), but this one is harder to read about. My heart aches for you and Jon and please know that you are all in a lot of people’s thoughts.
My heart goes out to you, Maria. There is no way to console you as the only way to get through this loss is …. well, to carry on and let time help you through it. My tears are flowing for the loss of Izzy as I know others are doing too. Although we did not own Izzy, he “belonged” to all of us who read the two blogs. I wish words could help you feel better but that does not happen. It helps but you still have to go through each day dealing with your loss. May you find peace and may time heal you and help you laugh at the fond memories and funny stories of Izzy’s life.
Oh Maria….I am so, so sorry for your heartache. I will keep you and Jon in my prayers and thoughts. Blessings and love to you both.
Cath
There are no adequate words to express my deepest sympathy to you and Jon. Izzy touched everyone he met, as well as everyone who read about him and followed his life on the blogs. Tears are streaming down my face as I try to come up with the right words; just know that your sorrow is shared by so many.
Maria,
I’ve cried for days, as so many of us have, right along with you and Jon, knowing how it felt when my spirit dog was diagnosed.I made the decision quickly as well, knowing it was right, but feeling pain like none I’d ever had.
In 2010, I was thrilled to meet you and Jon in Columbus OH and show you the potholders you had made for me, but I admit I was just as delighted to pet Izzy and have him sit by me.
I know that many hugs are being sent to you by all of us who consider you our friend.
You’ve written a beautiful, honest piece here, Maria. You’ve led us to a quiet place within your emotions that allows us to not only see your life with Izzy but to see what Izzy did for you. I think that is Izzy’s final gift for you: to be “wide open, feeling emotions I’ve never felt before and don’t have words for.”
All of us are weeping with you this day, but only you have been blessed by Izzy’s gift. So, so sorry for your great loss.
May the universe open its arms around you,
Embrace your wounded heart,
Give solace to your healing spirit
As so often you have given others.
No words, just peace. And time, blessed time.
Maria, I wept too….for you, jon, Izzy and even myself. Hope with the passing hours it becomes a little less intense. You are blessed to have one another and some other wonderful creatures to help you through the dark times. Thinking of you, wishing you ease….’
Lorie in Kansas
Maria I feel so bad for you and Jon both…I cried for a week so hard I couldn’t breathe at times when my Cattledog, Kona had to be put down 2 years ago She too was a special dog…smartest damn mutt ever! Know that everyone is hurting for you, feeling your pain and surrounding you in love, hugs and prayer
Hugs, Hope you find peace and start to heal soon.
Oh Maria, I am so very sorry for your loss. I loved reading how you felt about Izzy. How nice to have such a dog in your life. I wish he could have lived much longer, sweet soul.
That’s what spirit dogs do. They are like service dogs to the blind, leading us from one phase of life to the next, helping us to make transitions in our lives.
You have honored Izzy in the most important ways possible, Maria. I know that you will continue to do so. Peace in your hearts soon, I hope.
Maria
I am glad that Izzy got to be your dog. You were both fortunate to have each other. I am sure that the two of you helped each other gain something that only the two of you could. Maria you have openned up Jon’s world and the animals of Bedlam Farm. I am thankful and look forward to my daily readings from yours and Jon’s websites and blots. A very close friend gave me one of your potholders several years back when you first started making them. It is proudly displayed in my farmhouse. Thank you for not only sharing your thoughts with us but your lives too. I am sorry for the loss of your dog Izzy
I’m crying too.
what is the chance that you could let Izzy just love you for all your goodness, your kindness, that you could let his attention to you, his time with you– his love of you be just that . . . his wish for you, I’m sure, is all you said–to stay broken open, live in gratitude, let the emotions run through you because you have an anchor to this world (maybe it’s Izzy’s spirit? Jon? Simon? Florence? all of them wishing you well?) and will have the next few days/minutes/hours to get through . . .
There isn’t a guide book for how to get through these times of goodbye. I think they’re supposed to bring you to your knees, but the grace is finding how to stand up again. This is something you know how to do, Maria, and you will. My thoughts for healing are heading your way. Susie
My 11 year old dog is asleep on my leg and 3 years ago another 11 year old dog died in my arms in this very spot. There is so much love to be had from them, so many lessons to be learned.
I wish peace for all of you.
Maria, how wonderful to have known Izzy and wonderful for him to have worked his magic for you. The tragedy would have been never to have had him. Veronica
Dear Maria,
That is a beautiful picture of Izzy, and a beautiful description of your bond. I can feel the love and bond you shared through your words and all of the pictures posted on the Bedlam Farm blog. He was so very special! I hope you find comfort in your fondest memories of the wonderful life you shared together. I plan to honor Izzy by going to Battenkill Books on Saturday and purchasing “Izzy and Lenore.” (Interestingly, I bought “Going Home” from Battenkill Books shortly after losing my beloved cat, not knowing the Bedlam Farm background, and I got online and found the Bedlam Farm blog.)
Thank you and Jon for sharing Izzy and all of your farm family with us. My sincerest condolences to you and Jon, and all the Bedlam Farm residents who I know miss Izzy too. My heart goes out to all of you.
Mary Jo