Healing

April 15th, 2014

drawing todaydetailToday I did something about all that darkness inside of me that’s been haunting me at 3am and 3pm,  the bad brain and the panic attack over my new sewing machine.   I saw a healer, one who practices Cranial Sacral Therapy and Shamanism.  I know it helped me already, but I’m too close to it and too tired  to write about it tonight.

After sleeping for a couple of hours after our session I did a drawing to help me sort it all out.  This is a detail of that drawing.  One of the images that came to me was a ball of brown yarn and white bone in a shiny metal basket. I remember saying out loud, that with them, I could make a new me.  I don’t think I’ll be starting from scratch, but I would like a few improvements.

 

Zelda, Not Impressed by the Blood Moon

April 15th, 2014

zelda 2 (1)

Well, my own personal prophecy was wrong.  Neither full moon, lunar eclipse, nor Blood Moon can make Zelda do something she isn’t ready to do.

When I went out to the barnyard this morning around 2:30 am it was cloudy and windy, the only sign of the moon was that I could see in front of me. The donkeys were happy to get a few carrots pieces I had in my pocket and the sheep looked at me as if wondering why I was there.  To them, it was just another night.

Making Notecards and The Original Drawings

April 14th, 2014
Magic Stuff

Magic Stuff SOLD

I choose the drawings, Jon took photos and I brought the photos to A&M Printers this morning.  In a couple of days I’ll get back the proofs for the first pack of note cards of my drawings.  If they look good, I’ll have them printed.  About 40  of them will go to the backers from my Kickstarter Project and I’ll sell the rest.

I’m also selling three of the original drawings that I’m making the note cards from.  They are $25 each + $7 shipping.  If you’re interested in any of them, just email me here or at maria@fullmoonfiberart.com.  I take checks and paypal.

I drew Magic Stuff over the weekend.  I’ve been confronting (or not confronting) some dark places in me lately and I started this drawing thinking about just that.  When I had finished it, I realized it was about trying to get my power back.  This girl has her broom and her cat and is working some kind of magic with her bare hands. One of those hands is reflected in the mirror affirming where her power really comes from.  Magic Stuff is for sale.

She saw her reflection for the first time.

She saw her reflection for the first time.

It was years ago during one of the first hikes I went on alone.  I was on the Tongue Mountain Range, in Lake George and I was scared.  Not of the Rattle Snakes that are said to be along the trail, not of any real danger.  It was the murderers and rapists from every bad horror movie I had seen growing up that scared me.  But I was determined to go hiking by myself (even though I had my dog, Skunk with me, I still considered this being alone enough) determined to overcome this fear.  I had made it over a mountain and got to rest on a giant rock overlooking Lake George.  I shared my chocolate bar with Skunk then headed back, not wanting to linger too long.  On the way back, when I knew I was getting close to the trail head, I finally relaxed enough to stop and look around me.  Not far away I saw a young tree about twice my height.  As I looked at it the words, “I didn’t know I was that skinny”  popped into my head.  I was seeing myself as one with the woods.  A feeling of well being came over me as I realize my fear of the woods had nothing to do with the woods, but with what I brought to them.  She saw her reflection for the first time is for sale.

"Tree Woman"

“Tree Woman” SOLD

I originally drew Tree Woman at the Ted Talk where Jon was a speaker.  I redrew it over the weekend so I could use it as a note card.  The original was much smaller and many of the pencil lines were smudged.  It’s pretty much the same as the original except for the green window on the top left which I added along with the color.  It’s about being grounded and receiving the earths creative energy and using it well.  Tree Woman is for sale.

"What I Know"

“What I Know”

I drew What I Know a while ago.   I’ve written about it before and feel the same about it now as I did then.  That  girl knows something and when the time is right, I’ll know it too.  What I Know is not for sale.  This is the drawing that I’m keeping for myself.

Zelda and the Blood Moon

April 14th, 2014

zelda 2

Is this what Zelda has been waiting for?  The Blood Moon that will occur between 1 and 3am Tuesday morning?  If she hasn’t actually been waiting, will tonight’s Full Lunar Eclipse be the push (or pull) that will help deliver Zelda’s lamb?

Well, I’m usually up around 3am anyway, (my own personal witching hour) so tonight I’ll be outside watching the eclipse and looking at that orange moon (which I read will occur 3 more times  in the next two years) and maybe, just maybe, be in the company of a lamb or two.

Me, Donkeys and Giant Horses

April 13th, 2014

 

I felt a strong connection with Piper, on of the horses at Blue Star Equiculture

I felt a strong connection with Piper, on of the Percherons at Blue Star Equiculture.

The almost full moon was pale in the darkening sky when I locked up the chickens for the night.  I didn’t intend to visit the donkeys, but Lulu was standing by the side of the barn looking at me.  And I  wanted to see them, somehow I felt like something had changed between us since spending the day at Blue Star Equiculture, a rescue farm for working horses, mostly Percherons, Shires and Clydesdales,  in Massachusetts.

I walked into the barn yard and the three donkeys surrounded me.  I scratched their necks and under their chins and pictured the giant horses I saw today.  I made space in my heart and silently I told the donkeys that I was with their cousins.  I let the feeling of what it was like to stand under a horses chin scratching her neck, a horse so big I couldn’t reach the top of her head, trusting that she wouldn’t hurt me.  And I’m not really sure what that feeling is, how to explain it, to be walking around with these massive animals and not be afraid.    It felt like kindness and wisdom and a shared history.   Like an innate knowledge of each other.

Sometimes, when I’m with the donkeys, I open my heart to them.  I let myself fully feel whatever I’m feeling, which I sometimes have words for and other times don’t.  I can feel the emotion passing from me to them and back again, until the boundaries between us disappear. So it’s no longer me and Fanny or me and Lulu, it’s just the emotion and we become one in it.   And it’s more than just a connection between me and donkey.  It’s the feeling that I’m not alone, that I’m as much a  part of the natural world as the mud under my feet and the trees in the woods.   That I belong.

And I think those giant horses make me feel the same way.   But because they’re so big, they remind me of the powerful forces of nature, the ones that can easily destroy.  Yet they choose not to.  They choose to live with us peacefully and in partnership.

So this evening, when I was scratching Fanny behind her ears and Simon pressed his head into my back, I felt they understood what I had experienced today.  And we passed the story back and forth between us until  time and distance dissolved and we were all standing there together, me the donkeys and the giant horses.  All one.

Jon and George, The Lost Twins

April 13th, 2014

jon and george 1

Sometimes Jon and George are standing next to each other and the energy between them is palpable.  There’s a connection so strong and gentle it makes me think of the love between brothers that I’ve never seen but have read about. The lost twin finally found.

And sometimes it’s like they’re the same person from different universes or planes of existence that have somehow come together.  I wouldn’t doubt that Georges Ginofor Gallery is a portal of sorts that allows such things to occur. I’m certain magic happens there and that George is only privy to some of it.

jon and george 2 (1)

Bedlam Back Porch

April 11th, 2014

minnie and flo2

The last couple of days have been warm enough for the ticks to come out.  I pulled six or seven of them off me after going for a walk in the woods with Lenore this afternoon.

But the warm weather also means the cats actually want to be outside.  Today Minnie sat by the rocker and when I came out of the house started meowing her cigarette meow.  I guess we’re getting to know each other pretty well.  I scooped her up and put her on the rocker.  She stopped making noise and settled in.

When I came back from Glens Falls, where I picked up the free motion spring foot for my new machine, Flo as warming herself on the slate porch.  Soon the gray hen wandered over and Flo moved to the other rocker.  Unlike Minnie, Flo doesn’t think she a chicken.  Flo knows she’s the queen.

Peaceable Bedlam Quilt

April 11th, 2014

pb 2

Somewhere in between rushing Jon to the airport,  starting and finishing a Juice Fast, buying my new sewing machine and have a major panic attack about buying my new sewing machine, I designed Susan’s Peaceable Bedlam Quilt.  I couldn’t tell you when I did it but when I walked into my studio this morning and looked at it on my floor, I was happy with it.  I’m sure it will have a few changes as I start to piece it together, or may make some changes when I see it fresh on Monday.

The quilt has the four panels that I made of the animals from the farm surrounded by the fabric that Susan sent me.   The fabric and clothes came neatly folded in a box.  Each piece had a yellow post-it on it with a description like:  Gerry’s shirt, The skirt my mother made me, My brother’s shirt and These sunflowers remind me of Bedlam Farm.  I couldn’t use all the fabric Susan sent and added the red from my own shelves.  There were mostly patterns and I needed some solids to give the design some definition.

I was definitely thinking of the Gee’s Bend Quilts when I was designing this.  Especially since I’ve been reading the book and looking at the photo’s of the quilts in the evenings.  I thought of how the quilts would often have a traditional pattern that the quilter would intentionally shift either by changing an element of the design or by choice of  color.  So the balance was thrown off.  It’s those idiosyncratic decisions that always intrigue me.

Next week I’ll start sewing it together on my new machine. (fingers crossed).

Susan's skirt with the post-it note on it.

Susan’s skirt with the post-it note on it. I used both the flowered print outside and solid brown fabric liner.

Concert at Athena’s Music Sanctuary on the Weekend of the Bedlam Farm Open House

April 11th, 2014

So much has been happening, I just realized that it’s already the middle of April and the June 21st and 22nd Bedlam Farm Open House is coming up soon.  Luckily Kim is back to work and she can help me get some scarves and potholders sewn.

This year, were trying to  actively connect with the businesses in the town of Cambridge, which is just 5 minutes from the farm.  We’ll try and  let you all know what there is so see in and around town, where to eat and places to visit.

So last week Mandy and Athena and I were talking about it during our Wednesday Lunch meeting at the Round House. Mandy said she’d like offer massages and energy work.  Her office us right upstairs from the Round House and I thought it could be the perfect way to spend and hour or so in between visiting Bedlam Farm and exploring Cambridge.  I know for sure I’ll be scheduling an appointment with Mandy before the Open House to get me ready.

Then Athena said she was planning on having a concert in her Music Sanctuary, which is also right in town. (it’s were Mandy and Athena and I dance before having lunch on Wednesdays)  She’ll have two concerts one on Friday night and one on Saturday night, because she always sells out a one night concert.  I thought it would be better if Athena explained the concert herself, so I took a video of her talking about it.

We haven’t figured out all the details yet, but I’ll let you know when Athena’s tickets go on sale and how to buy them and I’ll also let you know how to contact Mandy to make appointments for that massage.

 

 

My New Sewing Machine

April 10th, 2014
My new Viking

My new Viking Sapphire Sewing Machine

Panic set in as I sat down at my new Viking Sewing Machine and tired to do some free motion sewing.  I threaded the machine at Heirloom Sewing and wound the bobbin, and watched Jackie, who owns the shop sew in a straight line.  The needle threader is more complicated than my Brother Sewing Machine but I was still impressed with all the other features.   I didn’t try to do any free motion sewing at the shop and as I sat in my studio and found the fabric hard to move across the surface of the machine, I was sure I had made a mistake.  The bed of the machine has a textured surface compared to the smooth one of my Brother and I was sure this was the problem.  I tried again and again on different settings but still the fabric didn’t move easily.

So I called Jackie, thinking I would be returning the machine, that it wasn’t what a I wanted or needed.  Jackie talked me through some of the settings and told me there was another free motion foot that I could buy that worked better than the one that came with the machine.  I told her I would come into the shop tomorrow and try the new foot and show her the problems I was having.

After getting off the phone  I told Jon what was happening and was certain I’d be taking the machine with me tomorrow to return.  But Jon could see what I couldn’t.  I was having a panic attack.  Buying the sewing machine had sent me down a dark spiral.   Too much of a good thing, I was sure I didn’t deserve the new sewing machine and was finding a way to make buying it a huge mistake.  I blamed myself for making an incompetent decision, the darkness inside of me bubbling up.  I was wrong, I was bad, I was stupid.  And this wasn’t just a bad brain, it’s a darkness that lives deep inside my body, something a juice fast can’t touch.

Jon helped me see what was happening and knowing that I was panicking I sat at the machine and figured out the settings and drew a hen.  It was different from my Brother, but not that different.  It was working.  I realized I had the machine on the wrong setting.  That’s all that was wrong.  I drew some more, the familiar pain that comes from stress under my right shoulder-blade aching.  Sometimes the thread broke, or I skipped stitches but now I knew it was the panic, not me, not the machine.  I just needed to slow down or speed up, get used the to the new foot pedal.  A cat, a hen, a flower, I wrote my name with my new sewing machine.

This is just who I am sometimes, someone who panics when they get something they really want but somewhere inside themselves don’t believe they really deserve.  Coming down from my panic I knew I wouldn’t be returning the machine.  I also know, with a little practice and getting used to it, I’ll love what it can do for my work.

Today I may not have felt the joy of getting a new sewing machine, but I know it will come.  And next time, maybe I’ll remember and can avoid or at least understand the panic a little more.